December 22cnd, 2008

Overslept a bit but still made it down to the highway by 630 and made the 3 mile walk to work at a little quicker pace than usual...but still made it in just under an hour so, still on time for work. That 16 degree air was a bit noticeable to my cheeks and lips and constantly running nose. Always thankful for contact lens on days like this, would have to be defrosting my glasses.

I had on a thermal undershirt and thermal underpants, then a long sleeve shirt, and another thermal to serve as my outside shirt (removable if it warms up). Then my overalls and my lined windbreaker/jacket with my hood on...hunkering down at times so my mouth was behind the zipper pull flap and kinda breathing back in some of my own warm air.

Spent the day in segments as usual, but always a different variety...but got a lot of time in practicing welding and spent a couple hours on the backhoe...both of those had heat...spent a small part of the day working on a fence, dang, now that was cold...thankfully that didn't last long.

But alas, worn out..off to bed

48 years done I've only got two thirds of life left...

It was almost 6:15am...dang, that means not much slack time in the pace of my walk to work. Three miles, takes about an hour or even add 5 minutes or so. First time I walked it was warmer and a little more daylight and I found a nice little pocket knife "Gerber" brand laying in the road.

This morning near that same area of the pocket knife, I found a shiny nickel. Hey being very sore in my thighs from around 1000-1200 full squats the day before at work painting and painting and painting up and down the decorative posts...still didn't stop me from picking up that shiny nickel...painful squat for very little money...but it was the joy of the find.

Recently watched "Big" with Tom Hanks. I really wish I would get a copy of that and watch it at least 3 times a year. There is a heck a lot of truth in the fact that we can recapture more of that youthful fun and balance out the adult half-to's in life.

Finding that shiny nickel was fun. Reminds me of many many experiences finding stuff on my walks to and from the old school house. (ya even in the snow, uphill both ways, blah blah )...

Was not much above 20 degrees that early this morning I reckon. "48 years old is a particularly special birthday because it marks the end of 47 full years of life, and it marks the beginning of all life lived after 48. So the rest of my life is just beginning. This is exciting, and going to take some thought.

Cleaned up in the shop and did a bit of digging this morning, then cleaned up around the grounds and loaded up a load for the dump after lunch. Landfill run times are always fun. My coworker takes off scavenge hunting any thing cool or any metal he can sell. I look around a little ways, not too far into any pile cause man that place really really stinks, and sometimes piles just kind of ooze liquid nasty. That don't stop ole mr. scrapman. Stops me.

M-80 brought me lunch and for 30 minutes we got to laugh and eat and visit, that was a treat. Then when I came in from the landfill there were flowers on my desk that had been delivered, yellow mumsy like flowers with pipe stems made into eyes and smiles making happy faces...just cracked me up.

Got calls or messages from about everybody, siblings, kids, parents, wrong numbers , (made that last one up).

Think I'm going to go to bed now and get up early to work on my organizing marker board. Then walk to work again, that is turning most enjoyable but i did learn, don't carry anything (course unless you just had to). Wear warm gloves, wear I-pod, zip jacket and tie face hood. And leave by 6 so there is an extra 20 minutes in there for exploring or walking slower.

So its off to bed for me.
Think Grace Kelly is going to be in charge of a bunch of this weekend.

Goodnight all, it has been a most excellent day.

quick catch up

74 trees wednesday. Thursday a GREAT THANKSGIVING , one of the best, Fri-Sun. wonderful time off got virtually Nothing done. Monday, Wolf getting ready to change his adventure and go to North country. Tuesday he's gone. Wednesday my phone was dead all day, spent alot of time digging up, cutting up old dead trees. More time running back hoe, front end loader, dump truck. Paid off the dear sweet electric company that was kind enough to send me a 48 hour cut-off notice cause my payment was a week late when i paid it, but hadnt included the late fee so they was a planning to make me go green. Have no idea what is in store this day. Got marker board up, slowly getting a handle on organized. Just starting too though. Cold today, better head out on the ole bicycle.

THINGS I LEARNED TODAY

This is for my own sake mainly so skip it and you won't miss much. I'm just thinking things through.

I gotta become really good at precision back hoe work real quick, and be quick at it, wise in my set up, wise in my choice for the dump truck to get in and be squared up at the right angle...I THINK I'm probably capable of being dead on when it comes to laying out the location of the dig as per the schematics go...but I've got to become dead on...the digging has got to be square...straight down, not belled in/out but straight on all 4 sides and even the bottom...we're not talking about your average trench, this guy expects precision, and taking 40-45 minutes to finish one out...(even though it wasn't "my" set up, and the ground was tough...)..was "mentioned" as going to take us way too long, aint going to cut it...I replied "yeah, I am still working on the dig right now haven't started working on speed yet, I'll get there". Kind of reminds me of having a "drill sergeant" who has a set way and speed he wants it done, it's not just a matter of doing it..it is doing it their way...

Paid my electric bill online today. Kept "meaning too" since the 18th before it was due. After I went online and paid it and the late charge...I went in and found in the mail a cutoff notice for the 5th...dang , sheesh...I was only a week late guys chill out...I've been your customer for like over a decade...I gotta call them tomorrow and make sure everything is straightened out..

Heard tonight that wolf is moving out to the north country on the 3rd. Is this good bye? Is he saying good bye for another reason...has he truly given up? Is this good bye..but the beginning, since being "alone" is what has just killed him the most inside...he's a joy to be around but ya got to be willing to clean up after a slob because he just trashes stuff cause it isn't worth it to put it in the trash can, that is effort he is unwilling to dispatch...I think its an "I don't have to" type thing...it is like he got handicapped at that mentally...being at the point you can refuse that other wise you would "have to" do...like throw the trash in the can, not the floor, not the cabinet...wash each day's dishes and have them put away before you are done with each meal.

Finally got my banking online password and account set up. That is a relief, looks pretty up to the minute too. Liking that...though now after paying the electric bill, it should just wipe me to a 15 balance but I got 20 or more coming out for paypal so guess I had better check that and add from change around here what it takes to make that clear. Other than that, we should make it till the 3rd, and the 5th. Then we can catch up the dentist, a bank debt, and get the credit card in to transfer over what accrued using mom's over to my own name.

Spent most of the day on the back-hoe today,

I've missed time with the ole coot, though he is a pain to live with,( mainly cause he's a slob), he's a character. All he has to do to quit drinking...is, quit drinking. And then he would need to figure out how to enjoy being alive ..find the positive, wholesome things that were enjoyable and occupying and demanding full attention..but also relaxing..most critically important...an enjoyable got to do that he plays at every day..even if it is a video game like WOW or anything...hand drawn desk top towers would be a great one..(google that) Find something fun in life to pass your time while sober...don't just let the sober hours pass empty not knowing how to fill it except with alcohol...

M-80's been down this last few days, hoping it doesn't end up pneumonia...has been a really tough time this past year...even recovering from the surgery has been painful and discouraging to her. The goal now is just to get he walking again at least a mile and a half a day. But if it is 100 yards in the game to get to the goal, we're only 40 yards there.

New job is taking up alot of my thinking. Meshing with that kind of personality, and mentally figuring out and excelling in operation of machinery and decision making, knowing there will still be only "finally!" as praise. M-80 being down made the weekend long, having little one for the weekend. It makes my day long now cause I can't really call and visit (she's lost her voice with this chest cold), so that kinda is negative...and I'm being disciplined...which is an indescribable vital benefit...by working in a drill sarge like work relation.

Today I spent most all day just digging back fill, separating the sandy, gravelly, from the thick chunky clay. Hauling off the back fill to a pile. Learning how to go up to the pile to the top and immediately rotate bucket down, it will pull me up even higher as it dumps. And while I'm building up the collected pile of back fill, if there have been any limbs accumulated down at the limb pile, push them up into a higher pile also.

It was fun. But it got tiring, and I'm not sure why. Time passed quickly and in some ways it was more a video game than "work" but I was glad each break time. Think the only reason is...I've gotten lazy and not use to pushing harder. Driving made me soft in a way...cause while it was pushing alot of hours...this is stressful pushing with alot of concentrated effort...(made stressful because it was constantly being scrutinized and more expected...otherwise known as "training")...

I hear my youngest sib is "coming in" to ma's tomorrow evening. Really looking forward to seeing them. Going to have to divide time up so much..spend alot of time in storage organizing, removing, adding to....And time with M80 and time with little bro(s)... Looking forward to it.

Going to watch a bit of tv, get motivated, and hopefully go get that marker board..so thats about all for now but my mind is bouncing many figurings like:
ERA had a role in alot of people becoming pregnant.

And oh yeah...is there anyway to delete all the shows that are essentially "who dun it" shows from television, and any show involving a cop, a judge, a detective, a lawyer, a court room....take those out and there is always the weather channel and cartoons.

Watched "Jacket" the other night. Movie has been in my head ever since, trying to figure it. Very visual comprehension of the "Is all that I see or seem but a dream within a dream".

Faith comes by hearing the Scripture.
Faith escalates when the nature of God's handiwork declares Him...

I really want to make a pumpkin pie this year, from scratch, even my own crust..
want a regular crust on bottom home made, then a layer of crushed pecan in caramel, then a thick layer of pumpkin, then a graham "crust lid" topped with a layer of whip cream, then a topping checkered with caramel streams and pecans. Thinking maybe the whip cream needs a healthy topping of shred coconut?

Money is going to need to be EXTREMELY CAREFULLY managed these next 6 weeks to get back on our feet.

Again...thinking of things to add to the grocery list...like water, paper towel, paper plates, plastic cups, new sauce pan, Dang I need to go get that marker board. And I need to find some stuff to put up for sell, and I need to check my mail in town hope the card comes in, got to progress ever further at work, need to enjoy all the time I can with family while I have opportunity.

Level the front end bucket, lower till it raises the front wheels off the ground, back up to and through the small dirt pile...it will level as it goes as much as it can.

When starting the dig, keep the first wall straight up and down, only wiggle at the bottom if digging is tough.

I can't believe THAT much power is available thru using hydraulics..yet hydraulic is not used in propelling the automobile. The principle of hydraulics is simple to understand and phenomenal in application...one of our most POWERFUL machinery would use an amazing amount of hydraulics. Why can't a small low idle powerful diesel engine propel the vehicle through a centrifugal clutch or even have a hydraulic assist on a bicycle...see, I really should start that, develop it...bike does 35 with great ease, or climbs hill with same consistent amount of force applied to hydraulic system.... ya..i want to make a hydraulic assisted bike..

anyhow...life is too short to accomplish even a fraction of my dreams, but one part of my life dream is already in place, actually two or three parts. my granted-by-grace spiritual life, and my faith, being with "the one" who causes you constant laughter and joy and true love...there are several other dreams that I've got on the right track...but there are many that I've got to repair...vocationally, I need to both enjoy the physical and real grounded work I do now , but somehow I need to include in my day a devoted study time to advancement of creating income on the internet and learning the action script programming language...learning it, using it, developing with it, marketing with it.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. So many concerns. So little time.

Tonights thoughts are busy too

Need that marker board but didn't go looking for it today. Pretty sure where it is, use to use it all the time on a tripod, as a teaching aid. But today...Just took the day off. M-80 not doing too well today, even her coloring seems a bit off and she is really falling deep asleep every time she repositions and thinks about getting up. I think I messed up on my dosage last night on my thyroid because I haven't been able to slow down enough to think, nor get going fast enough to achieve movement.

Have a feeling this next few days leading up to the holidays is going to be pretty busy. Be looking forward to going to ma's for Thanksgiving. I hear there may be 3 of the 4 brothers this time. We need to make a point of doing this every year...claiming Thanksgiving or even just a day we choose to best fit all our schedules and the cheapest traveling rates...do rental cars get cheaper right after thanksgiving or during it?

Sleepy tonight. Last one awake and it isn't even 730. Think the growing leaner and taller Grace Kelly is fighting either a stomach ache, a canker sore on a lip, or a tender and swollen lymph gland by the jaw bone that tends to swell up alot when there is drainage coming down the ears.
Whatever it is seems to be hopping from place to place...wonder if she''s plugged up or if she's got an allergy to something. Better keep the benadryl handy.

Keep hearing noises outside and my security cam is on the fritz more than not....so probably should take a look, though its always the neighbors across the way slamming their car door or trunk. Sound carries pretty direct back here to our headquarters.

Thinking about getting irritated with desktop towers game think I'm too distracted. need to get that marker board. also need to pay my og&e bill with the rest of what I got paid today. At this rate it is going to take some pinching and planning and staying on top of things to manage the income to its maximum potential.

Thinking about Ma, and Sir G. and how they are doing, worrying about BD and KJ and V and 90. Dad didn't sound to up and kicking as he usually does this last time I caught him, but he was fixing to kick back and read a bit and nap. Sounded like a good plan. Think I'll do the same for right now. Squidoo you are still on my list.

Where did those 2 pills go?

What happened to those two thyroid pills you handed me? I don't see them anywhere...Sh&&tz I hope I didn't TAKE THEM!! I MIGHT HAVE ! Sheesh..we'll know in a bit I would imagine...be up all night LONG...LOL.

Walking To Work

Something I've been thinking about...if a man walks to work , since its only 3 miles, and walks home....depending on weather and traffic and energy level and age it takes maybe an hour to an hour 20 minutes, each way. Now there is the health advantage, the traffic risk, the overall enjoyment and joy of getting to know neighborhoods along the way over the year...seeing yard sales, houses for sales, cars that broke, projects in yards...the list goes on.

Walking home...another hour to hour and a half, the relaxation and unwinding from the day, the familiar smells in the air as I pass the neighborhoods, the predictable cars arriving, the same kids playing, the war growing more tense between the kid on the left with a mean challenging aggressive stance facing off across the road three girls who are obviously 100% convince they are going wherever it is they intend to go and do what they intend to do, but their collective minds are assimilating some way to deal with this potential threat to their safety...maybe tomorrow they will be at peace or a new tactic will be seen.

Now to start a vehicle each morning and warm it up and drive that short distance, is at the absolute worst of fuel mileage in a pickup...probably close to 12 miles per gallon at best. That is half a gallon a day to work and back...at best 2.5 gallons of fuel per week. At $2 per gallon that is $5 at $4 like it has been recently...thats $10 so we can figure that is a savings of $6 per week in fuel rounded out a bit. Time saved 9 hours a week at least, saved by driving. spend those 9 hours working for even $6 per week and thats $54 a week that "walking" costs.

Yet the car has a cost of more than $6 fuel. Buying a car, maintaining a car, repairing a car, insuring a car, paying interest if applicable, paying for tags and registration fees....how much does that cost per week just for the trip to work and back? Spend 1500 on a used pickup, put 1100 in repairs, add in say 50 for tag and registration, get 4 years of driving out of the motor.
That is $2800 for the 4 years. Then you sell it worn...for 800 if you're lucky, so you're total ownership cost in this very very conservative clunker version of a vehicle is $2000 for 4 years.
If you borrowed money at 10% to buy the thing and pay it out in 2 years...add about $200 for interest and the full coverage for the 2 years add $1600 for the 4 years....come to think of it even if you didn't have a loan, paid cash for the pickup, threre is going to be $800-$1000 in Liability for the 4 year period.

You can tell I'm thinking this through as I type it, so you may notice other plus and minus things to either side that have been overlooked...

Driving:
Save 9 hours a week to be used either making $
lose the benefits of the walk.
one fuel $6 per week fuel
$936 three more years to make the 4th year of fuel cost
$1500 vehicle purchase
$1100 repairs and maintenance from initial purchase repairs and maintenance thru 4 years
$800 liability for 4 years
$200 tags for 4 years
-$800 sell the worn out clunker
total 4136 divide by 4 = $1034 per year, 365 days per year minus 100 for weekends if we are lucky , -28 days holiday, vacation, sick....=237 work trips per year...that means the vehicle cost fuel and all is $4.36 per day.



Walking:
lose $54 a week potential gain from working these hours spent walking..but since that's kinda pushing it most people don't that kind of drive to spend an hour a day at making money. so this one is only included for those whom it would apply to )
gain physical health
gain enjoyment in the neighborhood stroll instead of using the hours of enjoying something else.
slow life down a bit psychologically.
fills up 9 hours of your week out of or into your life.
Save $1034 per year on vehicle ownership and usage for work and back.

Driving a 50mpg mini scooter....hmmm...rather just dream of buying one some day and who cares about the cost per day...just enjoy the scooter ride even more than the neighborhood stroll? Probably...and could double the life of the scooter and half the cost by walking half time scooter half time....divide out over 8 years usage that way..I like thinking of this one, sounds fun, can't afford it yet though :(

So the question is....14 hours a week ...
is this the most enjoyable meaningful way to use these hours...walking, neighborhood smells, feeling of familiar, belonging...this is your daily route, your stroll, your exercise, your thinking time....save $1034 a year which is very close to an entire month's take home. $86 dollars per month is what you save in your budget by walking to work.

And you get exposed to and forced to endure the various weather. Rain, storm, snow, spring, summer, wind...ahh, I've missed those. Living an indoor life. But now, working out in the elements, the joy of truly experiencing them, and having bad days to compare with and enrich appreciation for the good.

A closer feeling to nature, with the changing of the seasons being more than seeing a number on a bank clock and temp sign. Sure it takes 14 hours a week, but they go by either way, what would be more fun, beneficial, relaxing, sensational, familiarity with a few miles of neighborhood,


Or should the 14 yours a week be used a different way by like using a vehicle...at $1034 a year minimum. But freeing up 9-10 hours to be used for some other activity more rewarding, more enriching, more desired. (while reducing your otherwise usable income by $86 per month)

Riding to work? Close to the same as walking maybe...but changes the time elements and the enjoyment levels. Slower speeds give richer detail. The ride gives a joy of its own, saves half the time and is nominal in cost, equal or better in exercise, less in safety, still get a routine and view of neighborhoods, depending on speed /time desired to be used. Still saves you from having to leak 86 bucks a month out of your hip pocket. But walk sometimes, to get the slower, more sense aware passes thru familiar neighborhoods.

Winter is likely going to be harsh this year...
Yet I work in the harsh anyhow
And the harsh..is an experience that is stimulating to the senses.

Anyhow, back to something else now....

Anybody you view with contempt?

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: "Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.'

"But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner! "I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Ever feel too unworthy to pray? Looks like the real problem is when a person feels worthy to be heard in Heaven. Ever view others with contempt and don't even want to be in their presence because they are too unworthy? There is alot to be learned in these few verses of Luke 18.

The responsibility the purpose in life of providing for self and family and helping others

8 days ago...on the 3rd...evidently I titled this post...though I don't remember doing that and wouldn't have noticed it had my older brother not emailed me about the brevity of it...LOL. So now I'm trying to think about that title...fresh, because I have no idea what the original article was going to contain.

That responsibility and focus in life permeates practically every aspect of living. Finally got a job I can do with limited hearing, its hard work but peaceful for the most part. Still don't know exactly what I'll be making since it will be a couple more weeks before the first paycheck, but it is a relief to finally have a reliable income. Once the brain goes into "survival mode" there is a constant pressure to remedy it and get back on my feet.

Yet not everybody is that fortunate. While repairing apartments for government subsidized housing it was often very very sad-making to see the struggles people had even for the most meager existence. There are SO many people in our country right now that are just barely able to keep utilities on and food on the table...and there are SO many people in our country right now that can't even do that...utilities getting cut off during the month, some days of the month scarcely any food to eat. Once the car breaks down it stays broken. Some of these people even have full time jobs but at a minimal wage...since we've exported most of our jobs that enabled the undereducated a means of a decent living.

I suppose just the title of this blog was enough in itself to express where my thoughts were.
But the next day I finally started work...and hopefully once things are caught up, that "worry" will gradually exit and just become routine again.

Waiting

Waiting is an interesting status to be in. Thinking maybe I finally found work I can do with my hearing loss that will be a decent living...(even though it will involve working with loud equipment much of the time and no doubt contribute to the decay...it will still be a source of income). Yet they call me on like the 20th to let me know I was selected, and schedule me for a full physical including back x-ray and all for the 23rd...I find out from the drug lab that they didn't receive the specimen for their part till the 29th and it is "being processed".

That is where the wait comes, since I know that 3 and possibly 4 of the prescriptions I've been on for my shoulder will test positive on their 5 panel screen...so the test has to go thru the first process then the confirmation process where they make double sure it wasn't a false positive...so I keep waiting so that when it comes in I can haul my scripts down there...but calling the doctor several times a week has really ticked off his assistant ( I think because the employer has been calling too).

This "war on drugs" has gotten ridiculous when they are allowed to hold up employment for half a month before they get their answers. But waiting has given me some time to think about alot of stuff. It is hard to relax and navigate life with immediate issues like "income" demanding so much concentration. There are quite a few things I want to blog about but "all circuits are busy" that part of my brain doesn't want to work on summarizing other issues that are stirring in the subconscious...it just stays stuck waiting fully focused on this major issue. So the title of this post catches you up on my status...though I finally did call the lab itself and have at least reason to hope the waiting will end very soon. Just hope it ends before the job window does !!

TIME TO GET UP

It has definitely been an odd week. Rolling out of bed, stretching, preparing for the day my wife mentions that it is 02:45am. "Oh no, not again!" ...seems my internal clock has been playing this game with me for several weeks now. But this time it was her that said "Oh Crap!"...didn't take me too long to figure out where she had set her watch when we went to sleep so I just asked flat out...is that 245 dr. Pepper time or standard time? Good thing its a waterproof watch! LOL.

"Where are you going?" she asked as I just kept moving. "To do my pushups and fix oatmeal you want some?" "Sure, why not". And thus our day began. Though I am going back to bed for a little nap.

The week has been like that from the get-go. Monday when i was pushing her wheelchair down the stairs to get her to her dr. appt. I slipped and bruised up my arm good, while she took the blunt of it with the back of her head hitting the steps. Again, Thank the Good Lord that wasn't major. Later that day my pickup blew out a steer tire on my way home from work. Tuesday the starter went out AGAIN in me old ford pickup so I went ahead and got a new one this time gut Wednesday morning it wojldn't engage the flywheel. Had a sheetrocking job and a plumbing job that HAD to be done so I transferred the tools over and knocked it out and came home.

Now that I've had my oatmeal, I'm going back to bed. ;)

Hard to believe this lady has a 50 year old son

(AND NO...ITS NOT ME...I aint nowhere near that old!!)

Sky Diving in Chicago Finally

For a very long time I've thought about sky diving in Chicago and finally yesterday the chance came to do just that. It wasn't as exciting as I had always thought it would be. Mainly because somebody advised me on my way "down" that I should work on a crossword puzzle. It was just the last minute or so that I realized this crossword puzzle distraction had totally robbed me of enjoying the free fall flight that I had so desired. All I could do at that point besides trying to focus on remembering the landing procedure was gripe at myself for spending that whole trip from the jump till the landing prep...working on a crossword puzzle instead of feeling, experiencing, seeing, enjoying.

I woke up from that dream thinking..."Wow. Applicable, applicable, applicable".

The Watched Pot Never Boils.

Reading an old journal note from Nov. 29, 1999 I found an entry that brought back a memory...

"Since I don't have a video or digital camera, here is a word-picture of my kids. I'm standing in the kitchen watching this as it happens.

Just as I was starting to feel like there was hope for my 'determined to be non-domestic' daughter...My 15 yr old daughter was trying her hand at cooking, and relishing the authority that comes with being the cook...catching her 11 year old brother lifting the lid, looking in the pan...she starts chastising him out of there, saying she is waiting for the water to boil
so she can add her rice,.

(she even swings the long wooden spoon at him, it was a classic scene)..he looks at her real puzzled and says...it IS boiling...

She said with that aire of expertise... 'no its not! its just bubbling, its been doing THAT for 10 minutes.'

"life at home"

Back to square one with little Betty Crocker

How sure are you?

Little "Grace Kelly" was confident that the game she wanted to play would boot up and run without any other disc. At question was...did she have the correct disc. She was certain. Finding some amusement in her confidence since she hadn't actually even looked at the disc I was inserting I made her a deal...if you're right...you can play the game..."if you're wrong though, I get to tickle you mercilessly for 5 minutes". She was unshaken, "push it in". But there was a brief pause as she jumped up from her chair and said on her way out of the room, " I've got to go to the bathroom first just in case".

Betsy (who has been renamed "Buffy") had to undergo yet another emergency Starter replacement last night...that makes about her 5th starter, bet they hate selling crappy stuff with lifetime warranties to local folks...but they still have the easier end of the deal, though I have gotten to where I can change out the starter in the dark. Still wear my safety goggles though, just hate getting grease and oil dripped into my contact lens.

M-80 is still recovering from the "decompression surgery" which in plain speech means they router around on the discs and bones that the spinal nerve passes thru to give the nerve more room, they found it was very pinched off in one spot so it took quite a while longer than expected. When she finally came around after the surgery she was very pale and very cold. She remembered being someplace where the light was very different, very soft and as if the air was lit up without the sun being the source, and there were doors...there was a man there talking to her and inviting her to continue on in and she would have no pain ever again, but you have to leave your family behind.

She told him "no, I want every day I can have with my husband and my family" and he said "its your choice" and the next thing she remembered was someone was saying something humorous and it woke her up and she was feeling cold...but she was back.

Her mother and even her grandmother had once told her that if she was ever in such a position and someone she knew was reaching out their hand to her , calling her in, "don't take their hand unless you are ready/wanting to go". But in this event, the man speaking to her didn't reach out his hand, just stood there and spoke. I'm thankful to have her back, and hope it is a very very long time before she's gotta make that decision again.

The surgeon has high hopes that it may be a good long while before the next surgery though the disc just below where he was working was pretty deteriorated, the rate of degeneration is hopefully something that can be very slow or even stopped. So far the postoperative recovery has had its ups and downs...I'm convinced that the anesthesia world is still pretty archaic in their knowledge of the residual after affects of shorting out the brain circuitry like that, between anesthesia and major surgery..thats alot of messing with mother nature, and in these modern times...they send you home the same day.

She should be back up to walking 3 miles a day within a few weeks...sooner if possible but there is no penalty for gradual increase, like there is for trying to increase too quick. Reminds me of something my dad told me when I was young and in awe of everything and how the world worked...I don't remember the exact setting of the question but it was something to the affect of me admiring how fast something was constructed...."10 years from now when someone looks at the work, if it is built well, it will still be admired, but if it is built fast and shoddy and falling apart nobody is going to say 'ya but it sure was impressive how fast they built it' ".

As most of you know this is an intensely busy time for me right now while I undergo a major shift in trying to prepare for my Adobe CS3 certification before going completely broke. It is a tough race, not sure at my age if my concentration can handle it but I'm giving it my best shot. Tough part for me is I'm not really a "visually oriented" learner...always did my best with auditory...even most of my studies and test preps in days gone by were made successful when lectures or memorization notes were recorded and played back over and over...many of the really good tutorials for learning CS3 are on video..(without captions). But sooner or later I hope to get it mastered.

If my old brain can get this computer stuff up and running, I'll be able to work without depending on my deteriorating hearing and won't be having to scrape by on my disability insurance for very long....if its ever approved in the first place. Strange to have to fight for something while still fighting to not need it.

Even though physical work is more enjoyable for me, the torn muscles in my abdomen and the torn thoracic nerve in my back and the pinched sciatic nerve where it passes thru the too-small portal in my shoulder blade...has about shut me down from that angle of income. Not to mention the dangers involved in not being able to hear car horns, warning sirens, and other helpful sounds.

So like my older brother has been trying to get me to do for years...it may be time to try to use my brain to make my living with, if I haven't waited too late..LOL. (Since he is nearing retirement, maybe I can convince him to now learn the joy of physical labor , but somehow I figure thats just one fork in the road he's ok with leaving unexplored..).

Back to work. Will I make it to the CS3 certification ..."how sure are you?" ...I better go to the bathroom first, just in case.

Get Er Done?

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.O.A.D.D. -Adult Onset Attention Deficit Disorder. Often triggered by parenthood, it's almost universally present by middle-age.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• the car isn't washed


• the bills aren't paid


• there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter


• the flowers don't have enough water


• there is still only one check in my check book


• I can't find the remote


• I can't find my glasses

...and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,

..but first I'll check my e-mail....thats actually where I found this, which made me think that I really should post this right quick before mowing the lawn.

If you don't know just exactly what a day like this feels like, don't feel left out, you will, you will.

A ruined vacation?

Just read a story that would appropriately fit into a folder called "Troubles".

Personally I believe that in many events in a persons life things happen "for a reason". This is what I remind myself of when things happen that make me just want to say "CRAP!"...like when a train is blocking the road when I'm really running late already, or when the car won't start, or a deal falls through.

Wish that I had a collection of all the times in my life something altered my path, and how hard or rough it made things for me but in the long run I was able to realize the blessing in it. Keep events like this in mind next time it just seems like a wash....

Man presumed dead in 1976 Colo. flood found alive

Sun Aug 3, 9:48 PM ET

A man believed to have died in a Colorado flood in 1976 has been found living in Oklahoma.

Sixty-three-year-old Darrell Johnson told the Fort Collins Coloradoan for a story Friday that he didn't know he had been counted among the 144 victims of the Big Thompson Canyon flood until a resident called him last year.

Barb Anderson said residents didn't want his name on a memorial plaque without proof he was dead.

Johnson and his family had decided to leave their shabby cabin the morning of the flood after just one night. A few hours later, the resort was washed away.

How Johnson ended up on the victims list remains a mystery.

He now directs funerals in Oklahoma City and acknowledges he was lucky to get the bad cabin.

___

Information from: Fort Collins Coloradoan, http://www.coloradoan.com

Ok cut it out now.

This thermometer is in the shade on the porch, about 330pm.

Pig in a poke

Having recently acquired experience buying and selling thru an online auction, I think of when I was a kid wanting to buy my paternal grandpa's old station wagon since he didn't use it. A fair market value at that time was about 500. I asked him what he would think if a guy were to offer him 500 for it. Playing it out non-nonchalant trying to get a fair price that I thought was within my grasp but not wanting him to cut me slack cause I was a grandson. LOL...later figured out that might have driven the price up. Anyhow his response " I'd think he was a da*& fool". kinda stopped that pursuit. I figured he knew the product better than I did.

My opinion of selling or buying thru online auction with merely a picture and description is that there are probably alot of people out there on the selling side, or even as experienced buyers..watching sales go on thinking...that bidder would have to be...to pay that price. Bidding on something you don't know much about..even its cost if you bought it from a retail store...is summed up in one phrase, and I checked wikipedia to see it's take on the idiom, they did...


Pig-in-a-poke is an idiom that refers to a confidence trick originating in the Late Middle Ages, when meat was scarce but apparently rats and cats were not.

The scheme entailed the sale of a "suckling pig" in a "poke" (bag). The wriggling bag actually contained a cat—not particularly prized as a source of meat—that was sold unopened to the victim.

A common colloquial expression in the English language, to "buy a pig in a poke," is to make a risky purchase without inspecting the item beforehand. The phrase can also be applied to accepting an idea or plan without a full understanding of its basis. Similar expressions exist in other languages, most of them meaning to buy a cat in a bag,

If I you could hear God singing...

I've heard it said that when the Bible is properly comprehended man can see that it is the greatest love letter of all time, where event after event, page after page, era after era...there is a very visible love in God's heart for mankind.

I love the way this youtube video is done, its message overall is similar to the song I "hear" when I listen to God with my spirit.

A handy desktop /countertop mini bookcase

Been a registered eBay id for over 8 years but finally placed my first order and won the auction. Being quite intrigued in desktop bookcases and the variety of constructs, I ordered this unique one from a shipper in Canada, that said it was from India if I remember correct...but I'm anxious to get it in and study on its strengths and weaknesses that may help me better perfect the one I designed and built over 20 years ago.

Looking at making a few of the ones I designed and test out some markets. Always looking for ways to improve it in looks, functionality, usefulness, durability and even changes that would enhance the manufacturing process.

Was a journey for my mind

Nothing really personal in this particular post...just an excerpt from a post i found fascinating and hilarious.

WHEN I WAS IN THE FIFTH GRADE IN 1954, my teacher pulled me aside after a class party to give me some friendly advice. "Stephanie," he said, "the boys would like you more if you didn't use such big words." I still remember his exact words, because they came as such a shock. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that the boys might not like me. My teacher's advice didn't stop me from using big words or aspiring to academic success. I entered the citywide spelling bee that spring and was more upset by coming in second than I had been by my teacher's warning. But while my disappointment at losing the spelling bee quickly faded, the teacher's words stuck in my head. For the next 20 years, I believed that the things I most liked to do and most wanted to be made me less attractive to men.

I certainly wasn't the first girl to grow up thinking that aspiring to higher education or a fulfilling career meant jeopardizing her chance of marriage, motherhood, and personal happiness. As early as 1778, according to Harvard University historian Nancy F. Cott, author of the 2000 book Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation, Abigail Adams complained to her husband, John, about the fashion of ridiculing female learning. In 1838, a prominent marriage adviser labeled intellectual women "mental hermaphrodites," less capable of loving a man or bearing a child than a "true" woman. In 1873, Dr. Edward H. Clarke, a prominent professor at Harvard Medical School, noted that the rigors of higher education diverted blood from a woman's uterus to her brain, making her irritable and infertile. Women who pursued careers, he warned, had little chance of marrying and even less chance of bearing a healthy child. Early in the next century, another doctor asserted that when women saw themselves as competent in school or at work, they acquired a "self-assertive, independent character, which renders it impossible to love, honor, and obey." In consequence, he complained, middle- and upper-class males were forced to remain single or dip into the lower classes to find an "uneducated wife" who would not scorn to perform the duties of her sex.

Its quite a transport from whatever else you might have been thinking about before you started reading it. I was amazed that so much study and thought had gone into it, and amazed at her sometimes warped reaction...like to what the teacher said., the whole article and the thought process of the writer.

Still June 19th

Creating a petition for the court regarding an equitable division of the marital estate kept me up till about 3am. Good thing I had it because the court was running so slow that what was supposed to happen at 9am didn't happen till noon-thirty. both parties were in agreement and thus saved a tremendous amount of court time and even saved the necessity of another court date. But that whole ordeal is now done and parts of history.

Been a long day today and I'm just now stopping to rest so, even replaced the a/c air filter and put new screws in he patio gate hinges. Working hard at getting stuff set up at my new place...definitely going to be building shelves.

There is alot to say today but I'm just too tired.
overall it was a busy but good day.

goodnight.

Short Post of a busy week

Busy yesterday moving another load of "hers" to the house...another load of "mine" to storage. Application for a place to rent was accepted, being remodeled, they hope to have it ready this weekend so should be moved in by Monday and moving little brother in by next Wednesday.

Didn't move anything today, kind of overdid it yesterday ending up about 1am...besides not eating a single bite of food yesterday so that didn't help. Pain from that day is almost gone.

Todays goal was getting utilities appointment for turn on at the new place, done. Other goal (and absolute) not yet complete...finish paperwork gathering for the SSDI hearing tomorrow.

Sorry to all those who have tried to call I seem to be out of service area most of the time lately.

Ma's been busy preparing paperwork to get Nebraska child support off their stupid stupid heartless butts (description is my opinion). They based my disabled brother's child support on his pre-disability income because his ex wife perjured herself in stating he was still making the income he was making long before he was disabled...But Sarpy County Nebraska doesn't seem to care about facts, just procedures...which mentally he was incompetent to follow thru with. I feel sorry for those who live there. If I were king for a day...some guy named Mckenzie or something like that would spend his career with a straw broom cleaning gutters instead of representing the county government in any kind of legal capacity. But maybe not, because I think I'd want the streets cleaner than that.

Even when presented with the facts that the ex wife wrongly claimed his income at nearly 4x the actual income, they still don't feel that is relevant enough to open up the case and review and modify. Ma has done an EXCELLENT JOB, definitely would have been an excellent lawyer had she chosen to pursue that...but think she has too much heart and character to qualify for the job.

Don't know for sure what to report about the divorce status. I offered an either or deal. You take A and I take B or....You take B and I'll take A...your pick. I'm still having trouble comprehending why that is seen as "unfair".

Have been looking forward to the Uncle Sam tax rebate (not refund, that came and went to paying bills and buying beds)...Finally saw on my bank records that it had already come in...but seemed out of 1200 rebate, about 500 and 400 and 400 went to help fund checks to open "her" private account...so thats gone..the bright side of that is...I can quit looking for it to come in.

While I believe the few things I'm requesting is way way less than the after-debt equity in the place...evidently she doesn't. Hopefully she will get an appraiser that can tell her what I already know...my guess is there is at least 20 grand in equity above the debt...the few disputed things that I've requested don't come anywhere near to the 10grand of that equity that would be coming to me. My hopes on that are...that she learns quickly that my offer is WAY above and beyond generously fair, maybe then she won't be so hard to deal with.

Busy night tonight, busy day every day this week. Hope to get some time Saturday with my precious 6 year old...was supposed to get her last week but I wasn't in any kind of emotional state to be with her.

Will be moving this weekend or Monday at the latest...so some of the time she may be spending at grammys if they are available, but the rest of the time...I've got alot of fun stuff planned for her.

Looks like if I watch my pennies on the remaining checks coming in from last employer I should be in good shape for the month of June and part of July...but probably be hitting work hard before the end of July. Of course some of that depends on how expensive and drawn out the divorce becomes. I've tried to be as peaceful and fair as possible to keep court fees and lawyer fees at a minimum but...no matter what I do towards that end, I'm only one of the two parts. So we'll see.

I actually tried going to the movies today with some special hearing aids, but only understood maybe 10 words in the whole movie. That is really really a sad thing. Have alot of pain in my joints today, but overall I'm thankful and happy about having yet another day of life.

Still working at navigating life to an even greater level of peace and happiness.
Gotta get after it...fixing to eat some watermelon, cantaloupe, banana, apple, and orange slices and take a break before getting back to work on the Social Security paperwork.

Have a happy day...might as well because I am.

Rainy Day Agenda

Had to cancel the "stuff transfer" from storage/house today with the heavy rain, and even now with it stopped it isn't helpful because the yard I need to drive in would be too wet. Drains or dries pretty quick though so if it doesn't rain more tonight be back in good shape for tomorrow.

Found a 3br house about 70 minutes away that had a BEAUTIFUL view of the township it was in and the valley. Was asking 500 per month, but was in desperate need of thorough cleaning and the carpet throughout was ruined, the doors were the "You want in? break glass, turn lock to unlock" kind. There was no stove. The front main room heater had been removed. There was a piano and bed and tables etcetera the owner intended to just leave stored in the house. The owner being 86 naturally I asked if he would be interested in selling...its in a living will, goes to one of his kids who would then have it appraised and sell it.

Since he was the last one living there I didn't want to stress how grungy nasty the place was...I figure it would take at least 50 hours of sincere scrubbing and a fair amount of degreaser or even trisodium phosphate and scotch pads to get that place ready to bug spray and Lysol, and thats not even mentioning all the little repairs and painting needing done. Single pane windows...so cooling/heating wouldn't be cheap. Not to mention the fact that if I am somehow miraculously able to resume my old career I'd be traveling most of the month which would leave little brother a very long ways from people who could check on him regularly.

Just called and canceled that opportunity. Still have good hopes that the small but nice trailer near moms place will work out, if it does I'll go ahead and pay for it for the last half of June and all of July with my remaining checks coming in, and hopefully get the utilities turned on with that. This will give little brother a place to stay "mostly" on his own and give me a place to come "home to" when not on the road.

Still waiting on the lawyers..well, "her" lawyer at this point since he is actually the one who filed. Hopefully he will submit the right papers this time that my lawyer can review and all agreed the legal stuff will be over with. My goal for the week is to get the property exchange finished....her stuff out of storage, my stuff in it.

As soon as I can get working again and generating income I'll be looking for land to move the metal building onto to continue finishing out. I used epoxy ceramic coating on a sea train shipping container high cube. Need to build a foundation this time, with metal corners pressed into the cement with rebar so I can weld the building to it, at that point it should be even better than a storm cellar. Finish welding in a frame for the sliding glass door to set in, a covered deck then finish out the inside walls inside with some high tech bubble wrap type insulation and t1-11 grooved rough sawn siding treated with polyurethane..a tile floor, a bathroom, cabinets..etc...
Will take alot more work and money but eventually can be a very very nice efficiency for him that should be relatively safe from destruction and fire and storm and neglect.

So many things on my mind these days, but overall I am holding up ok.
I pretty much live one day at a time. Looking back over my shoulder sure I see some mistakes. Looking ahead I see some concerns. But overall today has been good enough.

It is interesting what we learn as time goes by. Doubtful that many people out there know me very well if at all, but I'm actually compassionate and generous to a fault. For example, when it became clear to me that for my own emotional stability my marriage was going to have to end...about a year or so ago...it was my idea that I could continue to be of financial and emotional support and change that relationship to a friendship. My relationship with someone else fulfilling the starving hole in me. While some would see this as dishonorable cheating...I saw as a more gradual gentle compassionate path of breaking free from the situation that was draining my spirit beyond recharge.

Would it have been more noble, more kind, more compassionate to have just moved out a year ago and said "no more" ? Maybe so. Would have been easier on me and probably much cleaner for my reputation, both paths would have ended up at the same place, I chose the other path because it seemed to me the most peaceful and most helpful.

So as twisted as it may seem...to me it was more kind to sacrifice character/reputation by building the life I needed while easing gently out of the life that was quickly reaching a point beyond what I could tolerate with politeness.

Anyhow there are those who continue to hold my actions in contempt, even though the very core of reasons behind it all are rooted in an attempt to mix compassion and self preservation into the same bucket. Sometimes that is an incompatible mix. Kind of fascinating when you think about it. There is no easy answer.

So for those of you who just can't see why I didn't just walk out a year ago from a relationship that was not fixable/survivable ... maybe you are right, I will admit that just maybe that is the way I should have handled that. Before getting involved with anyone else. But in my heart...I had hoped I could still fulfill needs of the one person, while spending a little time each week in a relationship that fulfilled mine. In the end it didn't work. For some, it might have worked. For many in history, it has worked. In my situation, it failed and was an unacceptable solution.

So when this is read and people say "that guy is nuts"...heck, who knows, maybe thinking outside the box on how I could fulfill "her" needs...and "mine"...simultaneously...maybe I am nuts. But my heart was in the right place. Self survival took over when self sacrifice said "hey buddy, you're running on empty". So even if trying to go about that self survival in a gentle gradual way was a mistake, it was my motive.

By the time this week ends I hope to be housed, have some idea on employment lined up, have little brother housed, have the SSDI hearing completed, and be finished moving my stuff from my old house, and into storage or my new place.

In the past I've been reluctant to pray because I didn't want to bother the Creator with my piddly problems. That has changed. I've been encouraged to offer up my prayers to God each night, with a thankful heart that He has forgiveness for my errors, telling Him what I want and need Him to handle, what I want and am working to make happen.

With my palms lifted up, as I face East looking into the depths of the night sky...in awe of the massive creation, even with all my failures I feel His presence, His forgiveness, and my heart knows it is being heard. And now it is for me to do the listening...and watching...to what God says and shows...and for that, I don't need hearing aids...I just need to slow down and wait. Slow down and look. Spend time reading His words to learn even more of the personality of our Creator.

My blood pressure and stats today were 117/76 with a pulse of 56.
My spirit today was at peace.
My view of the day...not as productive as I had hoped, but productive. Content. Progressive. I am doing ok.

Latest update

The ENT doc had some news..."you have serious serious hearing loss". I'm thinking, I PAID you to determine that?? But he also said since it was sensineural or something like that, it was inoperable, no known surgery or technology could correct it except possibly hearing aids.

The hearing aid guy naturally thought that with $1500 worth of inner ear hearing aids I could do just great. When it was explained that I've had molded inner ear hearing aids, programable hearing aids, Over the Ear hearing aids...and the net effect is the same...garbled noises get louder, speech is still not discernable...he thought maybe the same type hearing aid but smaller power was just what would cure the problem.

Bringing all that back to the ENT he explained that it is very possible that my hearing loss will not be correctable by hearing aids. Its permanent, and its decline is continuing.

Even if I could get SSDI and try to use that to go back to school, even at the level I'm at right now I would be unable to know what the instructor was saying. At the rate it is dropping within a few years I will be more severe to profound and my life will be becoming very very different. Already lost "going to the movies" because they have no captions and it really annoys people to keep telling me what they said.
Already lost is hearing phones ring unless I get it set to just the right pitch and volume. Already lost is the ability to comprehend most of what my precious 6 year old daughter says to me...and it frustrates her to keep repeating.

Television and music is for the most part annoying because it is just noise. Ever heard your car engine? What did it say? You got a better chance of understanding the words of the engine than I do understanding the words of most songs. Just noise.

Anyhow, I filed for the SSDI, the waiting game and probably the long litigation road has begun. Meanwhile, I'll be trying to get by with getting employed again, I need more income than what SSDI will pay anyway at this point so maybe I can gather some up before the deafness is more complete. But at least if/when that kicks in, I'll be able to find something I can train into that doesn't require hearing yet is still meaningful employment.

So really not much new news there, just one more doctor saying the same thing they all keep saying. "nothing I can do for you", "you have very serious hearing loss", "it keeps getting worse, come back next year we'll test it again"...I'm thinking WHY??? If there is no surgery or technology that can help my type of loss, what is the point in sitting there with a blank look on my face when I'm supposed to be hearing sounds and pushing the button or raising my hand...just so they can tell me one more time..yep, its a little worse.

The house hunt is going ok, looks like the place I'll be able to be moving my brother and self into is going to be available about the 15th. Wish that was sooner. My goal for the rest of the week is to have the stuff transferred from the house to storage that is mine, and the stuff from the storage to the house that is hers. I know she is worried that will be a battle that I'll want more than what is mine but I seriously doubt that will be the case. And surely if she ever knew me, she would know I land on the generous side not the greedy side.

The job hunt is going to be a challenge but I think I've got a workable plan that will get me employment for awhile, hopefully for 2 years...but by then it is pretty certain that my hearing will prevent me from continuing in that or most any other skill/trade I have/know.

But I'm excited even at the possibility of working again, of having the painful part of the divorce resolved, and building a quality life.

Folks, thats enough update for now.

Lawyer versus Lawyer

Folks, if the marriage is over, divide up the stuff based on who it "belongs" to.
The stuff that is disputed, put into a pile or on a list. Separate the agreed on stuff. Work out a way to divide the disputed stuff. Being around each other long enough to get it done may take a few days depending on how much stuff is involved but its one of those things in life where you just do what you got to do and get it done.

The ugly alternative is to have a lawyer file an injunction, change the locks, and leave it all in limbo till a judge orders it done/sold. In the end, the division of stuff is complete either way, one way just costs ALOT MORE and kinda stupid.

Imagine coming in from a hard week at work, made much harder by your partner "taking some time off"...and finding you can't get back into your house to get even your most basic stuff. Then going to your storage building so you can at least unload your car from the trip but finding a lock had been put on it too...and then going to the bank to get your paycheck so you can at least buy some underwear and clothes but finding that a check had been written that would have cleaned out the entire account transferring it to someone elses account, including even your own paycheck...you'd be thankful it hadn't cleared yet so you at least had a chance to get your check.

Yet most of that ends up going to pay a lawyer to protect you from further devastation...and the wait begins for your lawyer to talk her lawyer into talking her into letting the personal property be peacefully exchanged.

Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen...and busy trying to find a place to rent that will be big enough to also move in my disabled brother since the injunction orders also specifically included a clause that evicts him from his little house on the place.

As far as work goes, I'll probably have to find something within a couple weeks...should have that long providing my remaining checks coming in don't get stolen. Finding work with 84% hearing loss in both ears isn't easy, profitable work that is. I did actually file for SSDI and have an appointment on the 9th about that. Meanwhile tomorrow I meet with a real ENT and an Audiologist to see if there is ANY type of hearing aid that will work to enable me to understand the noise around me. So far they just make garble louder. If you want to understand hearing loss, try understanding this posting without the consonants...that leaves the a,e,i,o,u and some vague guesses as to what went with them.

If they can get me where I can have meaningful employment, great. If not, then hopefully I can get the SSDI approved and find at least something to keep the bills paid between now. Something I can do without endangering myself or others by not hearing stuff a worker should hear and be warned by.

So life is busy. The vengeful hurtful response to the ending of the marriage is painful but not as painful as staying in it would have been in the long run.
Yes it has made life very challenging and kept me very busy trying to figure out solutions to problems..and trying to figure what problems existed and needed handled that I didn't yet see.

It was really weird to me that sitting in the Social Security office in the interview my eyes just kept filling with tears...I think because I was finally accepting the fact that a part of me was damaged for life and though I've worked since I was in my early teens...I wasn't fitting in in the workplace anymore. Its like mourning/grieving that a part of me was dead and gone.

I'm optimistic though that the painful changes in my journey are like the painful pulling of bothersome teeth...the dentist office isn't pleasant but afterwards it leads to a better life than ever before.

Maybe tomorrow, when I have the other lock removed from my storage and can start getting things ready for exchange, as well as unloading my car..that will help.

Maybe tomorrow at the ear doc I can get good news, one way or another.

Maybe tomorrow in my apartment/house search I can find something that will work great for us all.

Maybe tomorrow my lawyer will call and tell me her lawyer is in agreement and we can begin a peaceful exchange of property...and no further lawyer fees are going to need paid.

Maybe tomorrow my little brother will have a good day. I've tried keeping him reassured that all was going to be just fine...but with his mental disabilities its a challenge. Hopefully tomorrow I can get him an appointment made with a doc that can help him with his anxiety/coping thru all this commotion.

So much to do, so few resources, so many obstacles. My friend's advice has helped me overcome the overwhelmingness of it all...step where you need to step, hop what you need to hop, jump what you need to jump, and you'll get thru it.

Ok, long post, but covered a busy week. Each day I awake with fresh new excitement about all the possible things that could go really right.

The start of my day

oh great. Just finished a really researched and thought out story of my morning, and somehow hit the wrong button, don't know which one even but the whole text box cleared and presto...aren't i proud it autosaved the draft???? AutoSaved...as in, the second the box went blank it wrote over the previous draft with the blank one :(

Captures the Mood

There are just sometimes when people have too much time to think, and do a pretty routine task, that strange thoughts come to mind. Checking the weather, charting the course, and thinking about all the other things there are to think about on a trip...

My Uncle Pete

Visiting my great grandfather in my early years, probably not even 5 years old, was an adventure that is vivid to me even now as that was nearing half a century ago. He introduced me to my Uncle Pete...who was much closer to the irish roots of orneriness that runs diluted in my veins.

Meeting Uncle Pete... Gruff voice, keen eye, shrewd, quick to laugh, tattoos from earlier life, ...Pa Ode brought me by Uncle Pete's car lot to let me get some water for my pixie sticks to make some kool-aid. He directed me to the bathroom around back on the backside of his office building, I took my cup and went. Returning with a dry cup, somewhat dismayed, unable to find the faucet...the bathroom only had a commode. His gruff voice barking out a remark that who did i think I was -that water was good enough for them what made me think it was too gross for me! As he said this I could see the study he was making of my face...and only the fact that he was talking to a kindred spirit gave him away otherwise his indignant reaction was quite a convincing act.

Eventually my cousin showed me the water hose..(which was around back but not as far as the bathroom)..this water hose was what my uncle was sending me to but he enjoyed taking advantage of the misunderstanding when I thought he meant for me to dip my water out of the commode.

His "real name" given at birth was "Raymond" , and his brother "Jack" was actually "Fred" at birth but what I've been told was they became named "Jack" and "Pete" because their uncle who lived next door to Pa Ode had two donkeys...Jack and Pete and when these two came along they got named after those two donkeys. If you knew them, you'd understand that perfectly.

About a dozen years later when the government sent me to live awhile in that same area I would go visit my uncle and aunt in their home over the weekend when opportunity would arise. He and I would stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning before "falling asleep" would force us to call it a night. We would talk, play dominoes, or most commonly...use his extremely linear boosted cb radio to "agitate truckers". That was his CB handle.."the agitator" and he always claimed he was up on Sugar loaf Mountain...which was a very very long ways from reality. He enjoyed getting a rise out of them, and he explained that he was really just "getting them going" or "worked up" to help keep em awake. Since I was a Chinese translator he really enjoyed having me yack out a paragraph or two into the radio in Chinese...with kind of an angry tone...When they came back with derision and insults telling me if I didn't want to learn to speak English just to go home. Uncle Pete would just lean back in his chair and laugh and laugh.

Years later in life I was fortunate that our paths crossed again and Uncle Pete and I were able to spend quality time visiting each other when I moved to that town. When work for the day was done and I walked from work to the house I was rebuilding to move into..it was a common thing for him to leave his lot (across the street from where I was working) and pick me up to give me a ride...but it always ended up with us just sitting in the truck visiting for sometimes an hour or so before I headed inside to build and he returned to the lot or went home.

These visits with my great uncle were extremely important in my life. Treasured memories. There were so many discussions and thoughts. The biggest regret he had in life that he related to me was that early on he had spent so much of his life as an alcoholic and had lost out on the opportunity to really influence his kids hearts to be on God. Whether it was me unloading a heart full or him unloading a heart full, there was a trust and comfortableness between us that was wonderful.

When he died suddenly one day , a couple years after I had moved to a different town, it was a tremendous blow. That has been nearly a quarter of a century ago now but it came to mind today anew as I went through some old papers and ran upon a journal entry that I had made about Uncle Pete after his death.

This is that entry...

A Friend in Silence.

I treasure the friendship that we shared. One of us could go to the other and merely be in one another's presence, quietly, silently, effortlessly and be fulfilled with the calming peace of the sense of being loved. I miss you my friend.

You genuinely cared about me, and I you. There was an understanding between us, an understanding that brought reassurance and healing...even without words.

Life ran through the days like a river, crashing into the rocks, churning blue and white together, running always running, winding, traveling relentlessly as if its journey was always urgent...Time with you, was as if the river finally met the still, peaceful lake. I could tell you about my feelings, and whatever struggles were troubling me...but most often I did not even need to, because we would meet, and laugh, and time would pass, and the burden that caused me to seek you...didn't seem that burdensome anymore.

You encouraged me, and I believed in me because I did not fear failing, because I knew that even if I failed...I was not a failure in your sight.

You leaned on me, during times of trial, and that is the way it was between us, we were friends, friends that often found great peace in time spent together..with no words.

I miss you my friend, It has been a few years since I've seen you but to this day I still can not yet go to stand by your grave, because it hurts too deeply.

I often think of you, and feel your presence within my mind & heart, and even now feel the calming peace & love between two friends.

Those odd noises in the night...

The original of the event I will relate in this post is a rare piece of work to own. It is amongst my special treasures..the author's original manuscript, the tale is written in pencil, in the authors hand. It dates back to the late 70's and is some of the earliest literary works of a great writer. Enjoy...

Quite strange really, and you would think so too, if you awakened in the night to find a ghastly war raging in the midst of your kitchen. I don't know how it happened really but the french fries, left over from the big mac I had partially eaten, were making a gallant stand against a ghastly arrayed group of cockroaches.

Although surrounded by the cockroaches, the french fries were by no means defenseless, standing end to end the french fries made a shaky line perpendicular to the table. The top french fries would then jump off on a flabbergasted cockroach, squashing the poor devil into the table, then quickly running back to the line and ascending to the top, which i deemed impossible if it were not for the ridges.

The small container of ketchup was playing no idle part in this conspiracy. While the cockroaches were thoroughly occupied it had succeeded in edging behind one of the cockroaches, a singular brave french frie then charged the cockroach and sent him retreating into the crimson mulch, of which he never returned.

The cockroaches then began a hasty retreat but then a huge chunk of animated baking soda rolled off the counter and onto the table. The french fries seemed to understand immediately and a group of them followed the lifelike chunk toward a partially drunken bottle of pop. The baking soda was then hoisted upward on the backs of 3 french fries, meanwhile the cockroaches were scurrying across the ceiling to their hidden refuge behind the light socket.

The baking soda plopped into the bottle as the three french fries wedged themselves into the opening. The timing was superb for as the frantic cockroaches were directly over the bottle the french fries departed upward with a resounding kamikaze pop and stuck to the ceiling were the cockroaches and 3 of the bravest french fries I've seen.

The big mac was convulsing in involuntary sobs and the remaining french fries paraded slowly, heads bowed, towards their respectful saucer.
(by C.K. Cearley approx. 1975)

While most of us would have rolled over and listened for a moment, thinking we had heard something in the kitchen, then drifting back to sleep, I'm grateful that the writer of that tale was in a position to have witnessed what happened in the middle of the night that most of us would have never known anything about.

And while he is a published author now, but not by that name, I wanted to share this before the pencil lead became too faded...but "the rest of the story"...what name is his works today published in?...you would have to ask Paul Harvey to reveal.

Stretching

Would the daily regime of maybe 10 minutes of stretching each morning and each evening be of measurable worth in diminishing the pain in joints and inflamed nerves? Has research been done on this? Sure it makes sense that it "could" or even "should"...but what are the facts? This is just a remedy idea I conjured up as a potential cure for that getting old feeling when I hurts in me bones. The more I think about it...the more it makes sense. Might have to learn some effective stretching moves that don't carry a risk of pulling something out of whack. First I'd like to research this and see if there is any documented enlightenments already available.

Wow it is cold. That drizzle stuff last night froze into a layer of ice on the ground.
Wasn't expecting that, the step off the porch almost helped me get started on that "stretch" stuff. Went down to the storage container that is very slowly being converted into a guest house about 530am to turn off a propane heater that was left on as a test. Leaving it on low or medium it had just knocked the chill off, definitely going to need some insulation overhead. It has rings already welded at consistent intervals through out the 40ft...cable and turnbuckles may be the quickest most efficient way to support some R30. A shiny vapor barrier would be nice for reflecting lamp light. Lots to think about.

Looks like our trip this week may just miss the main snow but it is going to be so very cold. By early Friday a storm they don't even know about yet could wake up Chicago!

The grass is starting to grow though it seems...definitely need to finish mowing the pasture down this year..give it a fresh start. Better do that soon. Yeah it would be better if it were burned off, maybe I can get the volunteer fire department to do that...seems like thats been done in some place or another before.

Ahhh next weekend is Grace Kelly's weekend ! Maybe she will read to me from a more exciting book than the one she brought last time...she didn't even like that book. She picked it because she liked the cover. He he he, a new one to begin with the basic phrase "can't judge a book by its cover"...the beginning of the journey that will eventually lead her to understand that as a constant revelation in deeper and deeper ways all the way through the journey.

The new year just keeps rolling right on picking up speed as it goes....

Free Health Care and Free Housing

"Vote for me...I promise to get all the lost jobs back but with gigantic raises, I will have government subsidize income and make sure you have health insurance. I will mandate by law that everybody have health insurance. What do you want or need? No matter, whatever it is, I will have government give it to you." ...extrapolation of most of the candidates promises.

Translation. Want Higher Taxes? Want MORE laws? Want more national debt? More government as usual? Thats what is actually being offered.

Thus far I'm only hearing ONE candidate mention "the constitution". But what is spooky is that some of the youngsters I talk to these days either do not know what the constitution says/does or why we need it. And the news media is trying its HARDEST to avoid any mention of the candidate Ron Paul.