Friday, June 12, 2009

Church vs. Christianity

Sitting in a church building for awhile feeling like here you are amongst the righteous, and outside are those making up those we call "the sinners".

or

Sitting in a church building because you are a sinner, and know that things you've done, there is no way you could earn your way to heaven. You're pursuing righteousness not to get a prize for it, you pursue it out of intense gratitude because only by the awesome "Grace" God has for us you're sins don't count against you. Out of gratitude as a forgiven sinner, a loved sinner, you try to keep improving in doing what is right (pursue righteousness) and in your love for all souls.

The stranger outside, the sinner outside, does your heart flow with relief that you are saved by the grace of God, is the joy so overwhelming you see the stranger with the a repulsion because you are so righteous...or does your heart overwhelmingly move you with compassion as you see a like spirit..a soul in need of knowing about the grace of God. Becoming more Godlike doesn't ever mean you'll be morally superior, it is only achieved in the humble complete realization of your unworthiness but for the completely unmerited sacrificial Love and Grace of God.

"ooh, don't make eye contact, ignore them, don't stare, mind your own business or even resent" ...

or "There is a person who is so like I was , so heavy laden , before I found out God really does love me and really has forgiven me and is so full of grace He bids me come in. How I wish that sinner finds the path, the joy, the truth, that this sinner has...and the forgiveness.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Out of Body Experience

Bit different than the title suggests though, I was out of my body and IT had the experience. That is what happened last night. I remember going to visit the person, I remember setting down, and I woke up this morning. The entire conversation and visit is not there, as if it didn't exist, "deleted for real".

I asked Firecracker this morning...What were the conversations about? And she described to me those couple hours and it didn't at all sound familiar. Even with the mental prompts of someone who was with you the whole time...no spark, nothing. There is a complete hole in that mental storage file. It is an empty file. Labeled, but empty.

I've heard of alcoholics "blacking out", not passing out, but big black darkness over blocks of time. This was like that, except without the intoxication. My body had the experience, Firecracker said that I conversed most normally and behaved normally, and she too is completely puzzled why that file is just non-existent.

And today, all of a sudden it comes to me that I have a doctor appointment in 45 min. Clean up a bit, shave. I lather up, and firecracker and i are yelling things to each other and cracking up and I'm not hearing her so I come into the bedroom to hear it and I'm laughing at what she says, and go back to the bathroom to put on some after shave when shocked by catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and seeing some bluish white stuff all over my face. I lean in for a closer look, it is shaving cream.

I set the bottle of aftershave down, pick up my razor, give it a puzzled look in fact. Then holler back at Firecracker, "Can you believe this, I got distracted talking to you and forgot that I was shaving and had not shaved yet." . What is that bluish white crap on my face? Now another out of body experience, it had the experience while I guess my mind was elsewhere completely.

Trying to guess what the cause is? Well it wasn't drugs and it wasn't alcohol so now what? Getting old? Stress? Disease? Tiredness?

But as to why some players in the online game I play are war like always bothering the others that are busy trying to build wealth and resources. I discover as if I've seen in the mind of those who build 12 barracks and no warehouses..they don't see the game as "accumulating goods": they see the whole home thing as simply a base where troops are made to attack the buggers and rule the world
It is a very different river that some are floating and hard to understand sometimes the mindset of others.

Random thoughts, gotta run, doc appt.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Paid the rent

Finally caught up with the landlord today to get the rent money to him. Since I don't have any checks and won't get any, it is a matter each month of catching him to get the cash to him from my checking account. (Why no checks with a checking account? no checks helps avoid overdraft fees with very little thought time.)

They had scheduled a house inspection a couple of weeks ago or less, and I was glad of it. It gave us extra motivation to get the house somewhere near "mom-clean". (If you knew my mom, you'd totally understand that that would pass a white-gloved military inspection.) Which is always nice. But it was a no-show so expecting a delayed inspection the house has kept as close to that state of readiness as possible. A clean house is always much more relaxing. Cluttered houses...I'm usually the main culprit, but an inspection motivated me to buy cabinets and put stuff away. A dirty nasty house...makes me feel overwhelmed. A mom-clean house is awesome, it is like having a clear head.

So an accountability, an "inspection" can be motivational, and gives a good result.

Dad-gum gargoyle clammed up on me last night because I ignored it, but it is only a temporary thing, he ain't going anywhere.

Got word yesterday and again today, so now 2 of the jobs I've applied for; surveying and supervising...my applications have been forwarded to the hiring agencies. One is south of me by an hour one is northwest by an hour and a half. The surveying job sounds more like something easier to enjoy, it is to the south. The manager job to the northwest would pay better but be more stressful and cost more to live there.

So the surveying job is the one I hope for. Still waiting on the VA to ship my medical records in so the disability claim can be filed. Not sure when those will come in but they are not like the SSDI, as if you attempt to make a living between now and then, there isn't any limit while they decide your case. With my hearing impairment, there are much fewer jobs available especially in a 9%+ unemployed economy....drops my opportunities by a ton. Though there is a Schlotzsky's in town needing help and I think I'd love that, I went in the other day and the a/c and other equip. noise completely overloaded my hearing aids...Firecracker had to "translate" everything for me.


No progress on the book last night. But did watch "box of moonlight" at my brother's recommendation. Was quite interesting though I'd probably rate it as a b+ movie as far as the general public goes, it was personally enjoyable. There were some interesting real life thoughts just subtly beneath the surface in it.

"That little gargoyle" hasn't said a word since last evening. Seems he is boycotting me for a bit. Was ready for a break and headed out the door to buy a couple beers, but he told me on the way out that if i did, he wouldn't talk to me all night, and he kept his word. Figures my imaginary friend would be a teetotaler.
Just figures.

Anyhow, all the bills are paid, the cabinets and freezer is stocked, and a new jar of snuff is beside me, so all is well this month. May be getting a shot at a couple jobs within a week or two...may be getting the info in that is needed for starting the VA disability claim. May be finishing up the book this weekend. All the "maybe" situations in mind right now have positive advantages.

The house is clean, the bills are paid, the snuff jar is full, I'm loved, I'm not alone. The future has good probabilities. And the grouchy gargoyle has been quiet since yesterday so all is good in my world.

May try to head over to my Aunt's this next week, wanted to give all those "immediate" visitors a chance to die down before making a visit. Mom told me about her adventure over there since my Uncle's death. Think walking through the door overwhelmed her. Glad she shared that, so I can try to be more mentally prepared, may be able to be more empathetic and efficiently supportive if I can be a rock for her to lean on. That is my role in life, to be a rock for those that need something solid to steady them.


Not feeling too well today, ordered a pizza last night and think it is what gave me dysentery. LOL..pleasant thought for a blog. Anyhow, the weekend is about to begin. Hope it is well for all.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Stoney

Ever get a thought in your head that seems as if it was telepathically implanted or transmitted to you? The other day when I stood there in a sleepy stupor looking at that Gargoyle and the thought "Hey old friend, are you stuck like that?" popped into my head but actually felt more like an "incoming message" than a question to the gargoyle...began an interesting journey.

My older sibling described to me in times past about fascinating mental processes he has had with "personalities" or "entities" often created by children as "imaginary friends". He related to me about a small dragon he had mentally constructed in the recent past and how he interacted with it and conversed and watched each other and it seems this is a quite powerful mental exercise and provides many great access advantages to other parts of our brain.

So I "listened" to the gargoyle and nothing came. Later in the day as I was walking down the hall a thought popped into my head "Hey, are you going to clean my wing or not?" . It was distracting, for a moment I forgot what I was going down the hall for? I chuckled a bit and went into the bathroom and worked awhile trying to get that purple coating off one of the wings and finally took a minute to transmit the thought to the little gargoyle that "it wasn't coming off and besides didn't need to since it was really a pretty shade of translucent purple".

It felt like he was a bit frustrated, kind of grouchy about that, but was going to work on it. I brought him into the bedroom and set him atop a 6 foot high cabinet where I could see him more often, and even put a tiny pinch of dry powdered snuff in his open mouth. It "felt" like he chuckled with excitement at the new enhancements and I told him that I needed him to be working in the background of my mind to get me unstuck.

Then last night, a publishing project that I had been researching intensely for over a month but hadn't "gotten around" to making much progress putting into production..just started flowing and I worked until 5 a.m. this morning typing and taking screen shots and annotating the screen shots pointing out different features in this tutorial manual and by 5a.m. the book seems to be 50% or more complete as far as content, then will be put through 2 edits, passed on to the publisher and the scurry to maximize its presence in search engine hits will resume and intensify.

A giant step of progress. The gargoyle caught my eye this morning about 9 when i woke up. I smiled, feels good having it moved in here and the change of views is probably making him get more involved. "My name is Stoney" ..nobody said it, that was what my mind had attached from this gargoyle this morning. When I expressed a thought to him to tell him "thanks, for opening the log jam and letting me progress giant leaps in the night" and "thanks, for the introduction". While these words were being typed, Stoney sits off my left shoulder 6 foot up in the air, he could watch but doesn't need to, and the thought came in "Ok, the purple spot is a birthmark, that is fine, but fresh snuff please.".

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Gargoyle...and me.



Sitting on the right side of the sink he catches my eyes as a short nights sleep abruptly ended with a slumber stumbler to the shower where my mind began to sort itself out and thoughts came rolling through.

Phantosmia is back and driving me crazy, a strong sensation like smelling..but its there even on the breathing out part of the cycle and the odor doesn't exist and can't quite get it figured out where I've smelled that smell before. Not perfumey like a couple years ago when it came on the first time. This is a distinct, specific odor and I can almost recall where I've smelled it before but it is beyond my reach.

Mental Adjustment. That seems to define this last 2 months. Further. Further back still. How long has my mind been going through serious readjustment !! Nevermind, does the beginning matter?...alot of changes in my life this past decade. There is so much ...what is it called? Those two words seem to fit it..mental adjustment...going on, needing done, been happening. Is it like a ping pong ball bouncing off walls making a journey based on the angle of the wall it hits? Is that how life is ? But now instead of a ping pong ball its a little creature rolled into a ball bouncing off the walls making a journey based on the angle of the walls it hits but thinking "Hey, wait a minute, I've got to get control of this, this is not the direction I want to be going..this is not the right journey....(boing) headed another way now...woah...looks like I'm trapped in a maze now and getting just over there seems so impossible (boing) ahh dang it...still don't have control of this ship.

Shutting the water off, sliding the curtain back, reaching out for the towel...maybe my eyes are closed. Drying off, hanging up the towel, hands on the bathroom sink counter top...staring into the mirror, seeing a tiredness of the bouncing off walls. Wow has it been a few days since I've shaved now. Maybe that will help. There to my right on the counter top, by the wall sits the gargoyle. I've looked at him often and still he has that same expression that moved me to buy it in the first place. "Hey old friend, you stuck like that?" Hmmm...is it asking me that, or the other way around?

Life pauses for a moment, "Hey old friend, you stuck like that?"...Finish shaving, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair...realizing again that its really getting time for a haircut. Think I've got a plan if I can just make myself get it done to stop that being bounced directions I don't want to go. Maybe I'm not stuck. But will it happen this time or in the end will I just be sitting like that gargoyle. Its hands are over its ears to show that it can not hear. Is it relating to me and my loss of hearing? It just sits there.

If that stone gargoyle had a life inside it, trapped by its shell...just stuck like that, its view determined by whatever happens to it, just driving it crazy as it makes more and more mental adjustments. I like that gargoyle. It is one of several that are in my house. It calms me down somehow. Helps me pause and clear my mind. In a weird way its like feeling "understood".

Drying out my ears with those cotton ball sticks, tossing it in the trash, but turning back one last time to look and kind of nod my head to the little statue. The gargoyle...and me.