Had to cancel the "stuff transfer" from storage/house today with the heavy rain, and even now with it stopped it isn't helpful because the yard I need to drive in would be too wet. Drains or dries pretty quick though so if it doesn't rain more tonight be back in good shape for tomorrow.
Found a 3br house about 70 minutes away that had a BEAUTIFUL view of the township it was in and the valley. Was asking 500 per month, but was in desperate need of thorough cleaning and the carpet throughout was ruined, the doors were the "You want in? break glass, turn lock to unlock" kind. There was no stove. The front main room heater had been removed. There was a piano and bed and tables etcetera the owner intended to just leave stored in the house. The owner being 86 naturally I asked if he would be interested in selling...its in a living will, goes to one of his kids who would then have it appraised and sell it.
Since he was the last one living there I didn't want to stress how grungy nasty the place was...I figure it would take at least 50 hours of sincere scrubbing and a fair amount of degreaser or even trisodium phosphate and scotch pads to get that place ready to bug spray and Lysol, and thats not even mentioning all the little repairs and painting needing done. Single pane windows...so cooling/heating wouldn't be cheap. Not to mention the fact that if I am somehow miraculously able to resume my old career I'd be traveling most of the month which would leave little brother a very long ways from people who could check on him regularly.
Just called and canceled that opportunity. Still have good hopes that the small but nice trailer near moms place will work out, if it does I'll go ahead and pay for it for the last half of June and all of July with my remaining checks coming in, and hopefully get the utilities turned on with that. This will give little brother a place to stay "mostly" on his own and give me a place to come "home to" when not on the road.
Still waiting on the lawyers..well, "her" lawyer at this point since he is actually the one who filed. Hopefully he will submit the right papers this time that my lawyer can review and all agreed the legal stuff will be over with. My goal for the week is to get the property exchange finished....her stuff out of storage, my stuff in it.
As soon as I can get working again and generating income I'll be looking for land to move the metal building onto to continue finishing out. I used epoxy ceramic coating on a sea train shipping container high cube. Need to build a foundation this time, with metal corners pressed into the cement with rebar so I can weld the building to it, at that point it should be even better than a storm cellar. Finish welding in a frame for the sliding glass door to set in, a covered deck then finish out the inside walls inside with some high tech bubble wrap type insulation and t1-11 grooved rough sawn siding treated with polyurethane..a tile floor, a bathroom, cabinets..etc...
Will take alot more work and money but eventually can be a very very nice efficiency for him that should be relatively safe from destruction and fire and storm and neglect.
So many things on my mind these days, but overall I am holding up ok.
I pretty much live one day at a time. Looking back over my shoulder sure I see some mistakes. Looking ahead I see some concerns. But overall today has been good enough.
It is interesting what we learn as time goes by. Doubtful that many people out there know me very well if at all, but I'm actually compassionate and generous to a fault. For example, when it became clear to me that for my own emotional stability my marriage was going to have to end...about a year or so ago...it was my idea that I could continue to be of financial and emotional support and change that relationship to a friendship. My relationship with someone else fulfilling the starving hole in me. While some would see this as dishonorable cheating...I saw as a more gradual gentle compassionate path of breaking free from the situation that was draining my spirit beyond recharge.
Would it have been more noble, more kind, more compassionate to have just moved out a year ago and said "no more" ? Maybe so. Would have been easier on me and probably much cleaner for my reputation, both paths would have ended up at the same place, I chose the other path because it seemed to me the most peaceful and most helpful.
So as twisted as it may seem...to me it was more kind to sacrifice character/reputation by building the life I needed while easing gently out of the life that was quickly reaching a point beyond what I could tolerate with politeness.
Anyhow there are those who continue to hold my actions in contempt, even though the very core of reasons behind it all are rooted in an attempt to mix compassion and self preservation into the same bucket. Sometimes that is an incompatible mix. Kind of fascinating when you think about it. There is no easy answer.
So for those of you who just can't see why I didn't just walk out a year ago from a relationship that was not fixable/survivable ... maybe you are right, I will admit that just maybe that is the way I should have handled that. Before getting involved with anyone else. But in my heart...I had hoped I could still fulfill needs of the one person, while spending a little time each week in a relationship that fulfilled mine. In the end it didn't work. For some, it might have worked. For many in history, it has worked. In my situation, it failed and was an unacceptable solution.
So when this is read and people say "that guy is nuts"...heck, who knows, maybe thinking outside the box on how I could fulfill "her" needs...and "mine"...simultaneously...maybe I am nuts. But my heart was in the right place. Self survival took over when self sacrifice said "hey buddy, you're running on empty". So even if trying to go about that self survival in a gentle gradual way was a mistake, it was my motive.
By the time this week ends I hope to be housed, have some idea on employment lined up, have little brother housed, have the SSDI hearing completed, and be finished moving my stuff from my old house, and into storage or my new place.
In the past I've been reluctant to pray because I didn't want to bother the Creator with my piddly problems. That has changed. I've been encouraged to offer up my prayers to God each night, with a thankful heart that He has forgiveness for my errors, telling Him what I want and need Him to handle, what I want and am working to make happen.
With my palms lifted up, as I face East looking into the depths of the night sky...in awe of the massive creation, even with all my failures I feel His presence, His forgiveness, and my heart knows it is being heard. And now it is for me to do the listening...and watching...to what God says and shows...and for that, I don't need hearing aids...I just need to slow down and wait. Slow down and look. Spend time reading His words to learn even more of the personality of our Creator.
My blood pressure and stats today were 117/76 with a pulse of 56.
My spirit today was at peace.
My view of the day...not as productive as I had hoped, but productive. Content. Progressive. I am doing ok.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
Let those without sin cast the first stone. While each of us have different values and styles of living our lives, we are not the judge! If people would just realize that it would take a tremendous work load off their shoulders. Maybe its just me but I have to much to monitor in myself to try to judge and correct others so I will gladly leave that to God.
We had a wonderful lesson Sunday and it was about Naaman and his efforts to get his leprosy healed. While others may have gotten different messages from this study what sticks with me is that Naaman as a decorated "soldier" was awesome and described with all his splendid shields, etc sitting atop an obviously magnificent horse. However in his attempt to be healed, he was told to get off his horse and wash seven times in the river. Naaman seemed to find this a little below him. He appeared to think someone could wave a wand over him and cleanse him. The profound impression made on me was that "Naaman had to get off "his high horse" and let God do the cleansing his way. Wouldn't life be wonderful if all of us (me included) would just turn over all this judging and criticism to God. In today's world, the lady at the well would be talked about, condemned and shunned yet Jesus talked with her and told her to go and sin no more.
What a wonderful world if we could all be more Jesus like.
I recently heard the term "ism" described as I serve myself. Of course that is not in the technical definition but if you look at it most people don't see the hurt inside the person with the trouble, they see "how it might affect their life, reputation, and heaven help us what will other people think".
Please don't see this as me saying that people have a right to do whatever they want, just remember that "Love" (in its purest form) is probably used more or at least as much as any word in the bible. We can love and be kind and compassionate with judging or even without changing our own values and standards to some one elses.
Post a Comment