Friday, November 27, 2009

Chore day

Beautiful weather day. Laundry took awhile today, one washing machine worked, one took the money and refused, then took the money and worked. ($2). Then the one dryer worked and one dryer didn't but i didn't retry it (1.25). Eventually got two loads done...all that was needed. Got one load of dishes done. Took the trash out.
Got the clothes folded. Flushed the holding tank and then the gray water so that should be good for another week. Little one got just a short run of driving practice in.

She's pretty good at keeping it very near the line, either the center or the shoulder. Today we were on a narrow 2 lane with no actual paint, an unmarked road...cruising along between 30-35 she met quite a few oncoming vehicles and each time kept it right on the right edge (where grass meets road) and learned to move her focus to the right line when meeting an oncoming vehicle...which is critical in night driving.

In the driveway she got to work the pedals and drive. Pretty smooth stops. I'm at least half as impressed as she is pleased. Trying to get the house stuff all caught up so I can get some intense work done next week...LG is going to help me tomorrow by walking by and handing me a handful of stuff to do something with if she sees me setting idle or distracted. If she can stay on task well enough, this just might work.

We've been discussing names alot lately, and that lead to a discussion of "Grace".
I tried to explain it in simple terms "that is being kind to someone because you are kind, even if they don't deserve it". She liked that answer and seemed to have a grasp of it. Made me think that a person can spend their entire lives comprehending the "Grace" characteristic of God's personality.

"Two men went up to the temple to pray," sounds like I'm starting a Jewish joke but actually this wasn't a joke but...a lesson about how God sees things...Jesus was talking..."one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, 'God, I thank Thee that I am not like other men--extortionists, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess'. But the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 18.10-14)

I can try to imagine God's reaction to both prayers. Exalting myself to a satisfactory "label" of righteous living...is to fail to comprehend and treasure what happened in the death and resurrection of the Son of God. Its kind of telling God the sacrifice was a nice gesture but basically unnecessary at least as far as "me and my kind". It would be humbling to get put with the common passengers if I think my being on the flight was to be first class "based on merit". Comprehending the word "grace" is a growing experience, in that we comprehend it in more dimensions as we experience, as we grow.

I know the real "lesson" of that text is about self exaltation but patiently hear both prayers as you see God hearing them..knowing them as He knows them, loving them as He loves them...There is a deep message about the "Grace" aspect of God in that passage.

Ok, thats about all that has been on my mind this day...except I'm aching a great deal in all me bones today...feel like a rusty old man, but it'll pass, it'll pass.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

2009 Thanksgiving

Crossing the "bridge"

The danger that makes it fun:



The slippery water fall:

Looking for the tunnel...

The Tunnel found:

Trying to catch a gopher:

A good Thanksgiving!!


Followed by a long drive out to a low water bridge but the water was too high to explore the creek...but it led to LG's favorite part...she got to drive back...Did an excellent job too, she was reading the signs way ahead, keeping it in the lane good...she said the lesson she learned about driving today was "look far ahead instead of over the hood makes it easier to keep it in the lane".

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Exciting Adventures of the weekend

While worded through in a previous post, before the weekend ended we had one last trip to the most exciting event...the boyhood cabin, and there beside it..the grave...of a famous state politician. This was like being on ground royalty had walked on to my fascinated little friend. Today revisiting it she saw the gate she had squeezed through as the sun was going down last night...but this time she had more courage, she was determined to make it further...far enough to read the writing on the granite, and daring enough to approach the split rail fence gate.








Here the camera clicked just as she crouched to below chain level and began her "break-in" :




Then she makes her amazing shape shifter move.



Reverently reading the name and birth date and date of death of this great man of history.
Closer than she would have dared gone in the dim light of winter sundown..but only one more level of fear to overcome and she could actually stand in front of the door. Maybe another time..this adventure was mind blowing enough...and she shape shifted through the fence like a thin piece of paper and back to the car...the weekend adventures complete.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The best day of my life

That is what my young one told me several times on the way home this evening.

We went to the park and walked down the hill to where a tree had fallen across the creek. In a flash childhood memories of walking on logs came back to me as she shimmied out onto that log till she was in the middle of the creek. When she got back to the bank, I started walking on the log out towards the middle...wow, what a ustacud feeling that was. However I kept my balance far enough for her to worry and insist I turn back...LOL.

Next we explored a small waterfall...which she traversed first, finding it to be quite slippery in the middle I was concisely warned of the slickness...after all what would an old man like me know about crossing the rock dam? She was proud that we both made it. We sat and watched this young woman running up the steps of this entire amphitheater, walk down , run back, walk down...many times...so naturally once we made it back across the dam...we were ready for our next adventure...the steps.

She started running up the stairs and got about a third the way up before she heard me giving it all i got pounding up the steps behind her...even with the extra 13 pounds I've put on during this past month of illness and bad weather, I caught her...but when we hit the top I stopped to catch up with my heartbeat...while she made a lap down and back up then stood panting beside me holding her chest like I was..LOL..

Then came time to go out onto another dam from which we returned and she picked up a stick and started breaking it into short 3 inch sticks and handing them out...we each got a stick for each adventure we had completed...we were now at 4 sticks apiece. As we headed up a dry creek and found a narrow tunnel that went under the road...that was amazing..her eyes were wide open, it was full of excitement....5 sticks.

Crossing the "shakey bridge", discovering and smelling and tasting wild onion, smashing cedar buds into our hands to smell the cedar, by the time she hit the swing she was going higher than any kid on the set...high as a person can go..she was getting that fall and chain jerk that happens when you go to the maximum height before the angle changes on bringing you back down...swinging hard and fast...setting up leaves in her breaks..leaves to "land in"....and back on the swing.

Then the greatest adventure of all...going to visit a little cabin and graveyard of a famous deceased legislature...the gates were locked but she was small enough to squeeze through..but that was as far as she wanted to go into this potentially "haunted" place..but she just felt such awe in having walked on ground and near this great man's house and grave.

Then we stopped by Grammys, but she's really on the down and sick tonight so we went on to the candy store where she got about a dollars worth of dime candy...and came home...she just kept saying "this is the best day of my life".

Amazing what 3 hours can mean to a kid when it is tuned to their nature...which for her is exploration and adventure. Amazing what it did for me..after all the work and time and joys and heart poured into earlier children...and seeing that dissolve as to even be beneath the basic politeness of Christian love...I think it was growing a bitterness in me that says children just are not worth it..no matter what sacrifices you make they still turn on you and it means all that you try to teach them of compassion, love, kindness, happiness, sing songs in the day, dance a jig when you're happy, struggle as hard as you have to to keep bills paid, and clothes on their backs and food in their tummys...means nothing to them....yet this last of the litter is getting my hopes up once again that maybe just maybe...a kid will grow up and benefit from wisdom and guidance and love and not scoff at it and reject it as stupid.

Her joy and excitement over the simple things in life delights my soul and lifts any bitter after taste. She reminds me of how I've lived...so much wonder, so much fascination, joy so ready at hand. She is so thankful for the life I've "given her" this day...as I often feel towards God for the days He has given me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

FRIDAY...My car is ready for the inspector

When she gets out of school today I'm picking LG up and I'll see if she notices..the little toot.

Finally got some decent sleep last night...about time.

Have a bit to do before the weekend begins...and already got a pot of beans made last night that turned out awesome and will be even better today !

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Computer repair

Part of getting my household organized involves getting a computer or two of the 6 i have in this little camper at the moment...to work. Almost had it and the lcd monitor hooked up to it didn't shut down..it just started flashing a full blue screen, then a full orange, green, white..etc..even when it was disconnected from the computer. Holding its power button down was ignored as well. Now that is a really crappy thing after i've worked thru the night swapping drives, testing this, testing that, changing settings, strapping the hard drive i was working on, onto another computer at the same time so I could check out the integrity of the drive.

I've got this to cross off today. I've got to go by the VA office today. And maybe take a nap while my beans cook. The batteries in my phone are down so it will be here at the house while I run to town. Now i'm going to be shutting this computer down because i need to use its monitor.

Got alot done yesterday..even put in an hour working on cleaning up the car. That was layer two of cleaning. That little rascally Grace Kelly was actually laughing when she opened the door to get in last time...stopped and turned around and said ..."Look Mom..see" and little one is just busting a gut laughing as she found my car dirty beyond comprehension. Little toot...half the crap I clean up on her side of the car is her discarded wrappers, suckers, gum, whatever.

Anyhow, not saying a word to her about it, but if she doesn't notice I'll either clean another layer of dirt off or go in and laugh at her room cause its worse!

Got my hair cut, picked up and went thru the mail. etc...but it felt good to get cleaned up and get out moving around again. Maybe won't be as scarry looking. :)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wednesday looks good


Weather looks tolerable this day, and the winds should be out of the South, for the next several days..so it will be nice to lift off the North window exterior cover and be able to see out it again if desired...though looking out the window isn't my usual activity.

Staying in yesterday helped the recovery from overdoing Monday...it feels so good to breathe. Good times, good times. So much to get done and get going but after learning my lesson, it is going to be at a moderate pace. Sure would love to go for a walk today..it has been maybe 3 weeks since I felt up to it .

Ok brother, I'm definitely going to push for the doctor to address the ADD possibility ! Reinforcements seem to be found everyday...like today, the 4 cups of water I put in the kettle for a hot green tea? It is 3 feet from the computer yet had boiled down to one cup of water by the time I remembered it. Oh well, the good news is..I'm definitely having a cup of hot green tea. (a cup). Seems like that boiling water kettle would have made a noise, it use too.

A shower sounds wonderful...as soon as this tea is sipped and enjoyed properly...a shower, and if the checkbook balance is ok..maybe a haircut. Then finish the projects on Gracie's bed so it is clear for when she returns in a couple days.

Visited with my old friend from days gone by for awhile last night and that was an enjoyable end to a low-level day. Having been best friends with Lewis in the early 70's when living in North Carolina...then by chance both families ending up in Lufkin, Texas by the mid 70's by odd coincidence..was the first time I actually had a friend be transferred into my childhood for a second run...pretty cool since my school days spanned over about 5 states. Alas no it wasn't Lewis I got to visit with but Kristie...she's been staying with her dad since their mom died to help him get life rolling solo. I bet that would be a great help, that is a tough adjustment. Both her and her brother Greg have had health problems with their eyes, she is now legally blind...not sure if Greg's has reached that or not.

Anyhow it was a pleasure to get caught up on their family stuff...Thanks Kristie! (Though I doubt seriously you know their is a blog out there somewhere with you mentioned..LOL). Wow now that thought could make a person paranoid. (Speaking of paranoia...check out this newspaper clipping from the public report in the blog post published earlier this morning).

Taking up your time and mine..smiles folks...the day is looking fine !!

The perv who wouldn't even change clothes


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Build your own happy place

If I when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,--

if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
again the yellow drawn shades,--

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

(c. 1917 Robert Zverina's "Danse Russe")

That from a link my brother sent me,,,to that poem, that for some bizzarre reason, made him think it was something he could see me living out. LOL.

It's weird but it makes me chuckle...and reminds me of a youtube he posted that brightens my insides...featuring a Cat Stevens song where a guy is dancing..that youtube looked so much like my brother from a distance I thought he had finally made a vid !!






Delights my soul.

When I woke up this morning, having had a little better sleep than the night before but not much...I was drained, tired, cold, hungry, and thinking of all the blues that have come my way. I thought about people in nursing homes..the white, sterile, cold nursing homes...with no friends, no abilities, dependent, and my mind raced to find them something..."what about tv?" ..well, sometimes that can take you to a happy place. "What about computers?"..I mean, some of the old timers who live shut in at home alone could easily be taught Evony or some free online game that has a chat box, a function, a thing to do...that would be a cool charity...Internet equipping and training the capable but shut in.

Uggh, put off getting up another couple of hours, but once done I finished watching the movie I had put in hours earlier to help me fall asleep..it had worked..but now I wanted to know how it ended. "Bird on a wire" with Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn.

Read that poem above in my yahoo chat that bro had sent while i was asleep...made me laugh. The day was rolling now..LOL..once I can get that first laugh I'll find some more somewhere. "Oh yeah!" says I to myself...remembering what I bought in my industrious day yesterday.



All I had to do was throw a couple into the pan already on the stove and set the timer:



And then it would be time to turn them over for 4 minutes and delicious! and I'm hungry!













Trouble is...IF THIS BOX is left closed as it was today:






Then that little timer makes no audible sound...and the crispier side of life begins...


So now with sausage in my tummy and a peppy encouraging "poem" and the "youtube" video...Bring it on cold damp dreary windy chill...I'm a grinning.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

AFK

Internet slang for "Away From Keyboard", a nifty little acronym usually found in chat boxes to indicate the computer is still on, but any reply may be awhile because the operator is away from the computer. (Or else is just needing to focus on something and doesn't have a chance to visit at the moment).

This past few weeks I've largely been "AFK". And it has puzzled me to the point of deciding to launch an introspective research probe. Taking into consideration that it has been this way with me often throughout the history of my blogging or chatting..these periods of cybersilence, the research indicates it isn't a recent event that brought this on, though recent events even including a virus, have played a part.

Periods of my life are like this, where the umph just drops out and I kind of find my balance trying to concentrate on completion of simple household chores. (Like to take a shower...I've got a checklist in my head i focus on...got shampoo? got soap? got towel? got keys? Empty pockets? All water and fires or heaters shut off?

Maybe it is the culmination of all the circumstances and events and decisions and indecisions and uncertainties, and some desire to have a dream and truly reach for it. It kind of feels like life has been a wash in many aspects...you know the old story, the kids disown ya, deal with it, you really screwed up alot of stuff in your relationship choices and actions, tied to an area to be near family but needing a new town where people aren't talking bad about you behind your back.

Maybe it is just all the thinking about the job searches, the managing of money, building the VA case, getting loose ends tied up on half a dozen WAY overdue projects. I've got 3 weeks of mail setting beside me that I have only half heartedly leafed through to see if there was anything "serious". Just so many decisions to make and not wanting to make any decisions, but that not being a luxury..it then becomes a cumbersome necessity..which tends to drive me into the fog.

That 10 day meditation I thought my friend, mentor and older brother completely nuts for even considering...I find myself giving serious thought to..LOL. I had always joked about being ADD but when I took a couple of psych exam online tests and really read how "serious" it can impact, I'm going to be talking to the doctor about that. I have always hated the confused and frustrated expressions on peoples faces when visiting with them and I switch subjects so fast and sudden and constantly it gets confusing..and I know it, but can't seem to stop it.

Today I would say I'm content. Feeling better, getting the place caught up and cleaned up gradually. Feeling like the intensity surge may be coming back when i get the power surges for several weeks catching up and blazing a dozen new projects into existence...

Writers block. AFK. ADD. Whatever you want to call it..I'm fine, all is well, my brain is just sorting out other issues in life right now so the creative, talkative, expressive me is AFK.
Who knows though...may be posting like crazy all week.

Love the Lord your God with "All your heart", "all your soul", "all your mind", and love all other humans with the love and compassion and mercy you would want for yourself. As my oldest daughter once told me when I was struggling to get a lesson together for presentation at church she suggested "God is in Heaven, and now go home".

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Gaps

"One can distinguish mania from the high energy of ADD by the level of intensity. An average person could simulate the energized state of ADD, but could not voluntarily reproduce the energy level of mania. Mania is the most extreme from of non-drug-induced drivenness that we know. The manic person can go without sleep for days, traveling the globe or spending his life's savings on wild schemes or making grandiose claims of self-importance or talking nonstop from morning until night.

"The manic individual is truly out of control. He cannot slow down. He does not just talk fast, he talks as if the words were being propelled from his mouth, a disconcerting symptom referred to as "pressured speech." Listening to someone who is in the grip of mania gives one the feeling of wanting to duck; the words seem to be thrown at you. A manic's mind leaps from topic to topic, like a frog jumping lily pads, alighting for a moment here only to spring away to another place. This symptom is aptly called "flight of ideas." It makes logical conversation of any length just about impossible. Let me give an example, taken from my days working on a psychiatric inpatient unit:

"'Good morning, Mr. Jones.'

"'Why good morning, Doctor, and good morning to all the lovely little squiggles you have on your tie, and to squiggles everywhere, who, by the way, are outward representations of chaos, a soon-to-be-quantified branch of physics and mathematics, which, if you haven't boned up on your integrals, will leave you without much hope of doing more than passing over the topic, as the cow passes over the moon in the ditty which you may have heard when you were a child. You were once a child, Doctor? It is safe to assume that we all were children once, that is a safe assumption, the first three letters of which are a-s-s so don't be an ass and assume anything, as my old teacher used to say. Sound advice, especially for a planetary stargazer, wouldn't you say? There is more in the stars than there is in every brain put together, like link sausages, a delicious breakfast at that!'

"While the individual with ADD can branch from topic to topic, he does not do so with the suddenness or pressuredness that the manic does. And while the person with ADD may be restless and full of energy, he is not driven by nearly the same horsepower as the manic."

That was found in an article http://borntoexplore.org/addmood.htm that was extremely interesting (if of course you've got an interest in the relationship and even possible misdiagnosis between ADD, ADHD, and bipolar or cyclothymia.

That being said, I'm thankful the bug has for the most part left me, though it decided to launch its grand finale as a case of the trots so after about 12-24 hours of bloating and sitting the energy bar is drained.

Excited about the week, many things to do, hopefully the energy to keep going.