Hearing voices?

While driving down a congested divided 4 lane of a California highway with the flow of traffic I had the unique experience of "hearing a voice" that "told me what to do".

The speed limit in those days being 55mph the flow of traffic usually 10 over that...I noticed a highway patrol getting on the highway from an on-ramp a ways back, but checking my speed...noticed I was running about 65, usually tolerated, but I backed off of it any how just in case. My attention returned to whatever thought it was in before the alert, I failed to notice the rapid increase of speed in the Highway Patrol car as he rapidly caught up with me and was in my blind spot beside me when a booming voice coming from "out of the air" said:

"Now that you have adjusted your speed from 65 to 55 please maintain that speed"

Then zoom, the black and white sails on by, slowing by vehicles far ahead no doubt to give them their own "verbal warnings".

As soon as the voice began I looked everywhere for it. It wasn't the radio and I couldn't see anybody in any mirror...for a moment there. With my first born very near her birthday, the shock of this moment was intense.

That is the only experience I can recall like this one. So when someone talks about "hearing voices" at least there is a reference I can refer to as an empathic point of connection to dig deeper into their experiences.

That memory strides by every once in awhile in my mind.

Today started with a strong smell that is still just beyond my grasp...a chemical like smell but the only memory that flashed by with the smell involved a carnival.
Ahh..Phantosmia has grabbed me again. Did read a an article and a blog or two this time though about phantosmia as described in the experience of others. Mayo medical clinic talks of it as "olfactory hallucinations" . That is an interesting way to word it. Think that is why that old hearing voices memory came by...to help me understand.

Though there are those in some strains of thought that connect the cause of phantosmia as being the presence of another spirit, or even an attempt to channel through the person. Though that explanation chose too stubborn an old soul if they be trying to crash in here. "You don't want trapped in this one buddy, its a rocky ride". Makes me chuckle at the thought.

Saturday

Fixing to go out on the porch and kind of watch the sunrise...since my porch faces west, that is what i mean kind of.

It has been a very long week, especially being sick a few days, and then dealing with alot of heavier stuff. Maybe now things can go back just normal hearing impaired unemployed stress...the simpler stuff like chores, and paying bills, and getting groceries, and going to doctor appointments and forgetting doctors appointments.

It has been a good week though in some ways, my brother getting to enjoy his first full weekend retired. The weather hasn't been too horrible.

Sometimes that keep on keeping on just pops in my head. A principle walked into my 8th grade class, black horn rimmed gold tipped plastic glasses, a mostly balded top of his head, a thick almost wool looking suit, the wood floors of the school I could hear his quick pace even down the hall. He bursts into the room introducing himself, walking over to the chalkboard writes perseverance on the black board (pre green chalk board days)...bold cursive writing. "Who can tell me what that means".
Must have been a rhetorical question because he immediately turned back to the chalkboard to write "to keep on, keeping on". He said without perseverance we would fail at almost everything in life, but with it, we will eventually make it thru.

Mowed the grass yesterday, seems i went like 9 days this time instead of 7 so the kind little land lady gave me a write up sheet so i went ahead as soon as she was gone and mowed it...had to hurry cause my brother in law was on his way to borrow my mower...a deal the sisters and all were aware of but me, but was good to get a double shove to get her done.

Kinda been knocked flat on my back enthusiasm wise so I beg your forgiveness that I haven't been of my typical good cheer. I'll get that happy face back. May go for a walk today and see if we can't sneak in a swim at grandma's pool.

Then I gotta clear my work area, get some work done and maybe some sleep since I haven't been asleep all night. Haven't really been sleepy, just kinda feeling like just sitting here. So I hear young en up, time to go supervise him making his own omelet start to finish. He almost past yesterday...but think it will be a while longer before he can be trusted solo with the gas range, but he is learning the safety stuff as we go.

Todays lesson for little Mike

Two lessons evolved since we didn't get to the pool till nearly closing hours cause of errands i had to run to storage. First we worked on learning to look at the bottom to use a snorkel or else it is tilted back too far. Trying to get him to overcome his fears and trust me has been a challenge but he is making progress. But arriving late we left early we try to respect a 9-930 pool closure...and the boy was dissatisfied.

Here came lesson 2, when you close out your day, you look at the good stuff that happens, the fun stuff, the enjoyed stuff, not the what might could have, what you wanted what blah blah...look at what went well that day and smile about it.

Its a foreign concept for him. I wonder if it is for others...seems so natural to me.

Garage sales

you know the only thing about garage sales i don't like...is sometimes shortly after you bring your bargains into the house you have a resurgent combat period with roaches.

Yard mowed

Landlords wife dropped by one of those mow or we mow for $20...i got out and mowed it, now loaned the mower to my brother in law. "Corn" is what everybody calls him, he'll probably tune it up for me when he brings it back.

Got a load of stuff to take to storage , fixing to do that then hopefully walk for a half our then maybe catch up at Moms and George's swimming hole.

Trying to work things out with the daughter, hopeful whatever issues she has she can take up with me and we can go from there...other than that, hopeful things are easing up for GK's mom through all this and everything can go back to normal.

Got about 4 very potential jobs in surveying opening up. May drive down to Kingston and look that area over that looks like a nice place.

don't know...just know the unemployment is limited even if it is a month or two more it is time to get back to work and hope i can keep it long enough for the va to declare deaf.

I'm Back

The emotional stab wound recovered i've got alot of catching up to do, took out the trash already, checked on an evony account for a vacationing friend, going to move some stuff to storage and work a bit there. Did a morning walk at the park so got in a bit of exercise in. It is going to be hot today. Think I'll mow the yard and move my 3 porch tomatoes out to the back yard tomatoes, seems they are growing quite healthy with that little sunlight, but they are not producing like the weakly growing ones out in the dirt. paperwork to do, bills to pay, lots of cleaning up and shaving and getting my life restarted full steam. I'm back.

Wisdom

Some people are quite satisfied if they can mastermind something that does maximum damage and pain to your life.

Hearing Aids

What has it been now 2 months since my in the canal top of the line personally programmed hearing aids came in. The first bit took a while to get use to having something in my ear...and noise being louder, but i was picking up a few voices that I hadn't been hearing before, but still having trouble deciphering them into words. Some improvement though, and it has helped alot knowing a sound was happening..like footsteps...only, unlike natural hearing...when it comes in thru a mic, there is no "direction" of the sound. Interesting, so while I might hear my phone ringing, I have no clue which direction it is.

Physical went well today, but weight was up. Blood pressure 102/69 and pulse was strangely up to 63..quite a diff. from its usual home in the 40's. Maybe the stress.
The increased sinus drainage, occasional morning sore throat, and greenish kleenex results he said was just allergies...lungs sounded clear. Gotta go back in one month for a follow up. Uggh 5 months of monthly follow up exams..only 3 left.

Gotta say I haven't accomplished as much as I should today because I haven't had the heart, but will try to get my strength back as soon as possible.

A parent's investment

All those times working two jobs, worn to the bone, but hearing the plea and glee when the youngen grabs me by the hand, lets go to the park daddy. I need help daddy. Come see what I've done daddy. And up and away the old body went.

Settling fights, teaching kindness, teaching them how to drive, teaching them discipline to follow rules and respect a bedtime to rise early enough to mentally prepare for the world they live in. Singing songs to them, swinging them around, sleeping naps with them in my lap. Teaching them to laugh and enjoy life. To face the world with a smile cause nobody wants to see more problems, lift spirits, smile when you talk.

All the things my kids would have learned, when the only vehicle we had broke down and i walked 7 miles to work, and 7 miles home, then climbed under the pickup and kept working late into the night trying to get the problem found and solved even though I wasn't a "mechanic".

Then someday they deem you unworthy, too low life for their association, family means less to them than pride...you didn't hold up to the path of respectability when you and their mother divorced after 20 years of incompatibility and empty of love.

Would that stop your desire to visit with your own flesh and blood father?
Would that make all his time and effort and sacrifices and cares for you a waste of his life? I love my father, though he had very poor skills at parenting and I've suffered some because of them, other things i've gained from , but none of that matters to me now...He is my father. I want to know who he has become, what makes up his life, mannerisms of his ways. Is that so wrong?

I can't imagine trying to hurt him. I can't imagine hating him. I can't imagine totally passing on the opportunity in time to get to know my ancestor. I can't imagine even taking the time to measure him on a scale to see if he is worthy....I need stuff from him. I need to know him, who he is, what he has learned in life. Who is ancestors were. The ways and days of my people.

How could I possibly lose out on that opportunity. It's not nature to be unlovers of parents.

Maybe time will work this wisdom into them and I will share life with them again and they will come to know who I have become.

Maybe they and I will lose that forever...maybe my grandchildren will never know the laughter and orneriness and fun of their grandfather. Maybe they will never know what side of the family they got what tendency from.

Mental equivalent of chewing gum

Written to me in sage advice by my eldest sibling:

Lazy. I said that word to myself about 20 times. Well, not really. About 5.

It sounds strange and I wonder who it is? To not want to do things? Well, we can't really not *do* anything, we're always doing something. Just sitting there we're breathing, our hearts beating, we're thinking stuff, adjusting our body, wiggling our toes. Sometimes Lazy's annoying room-mate, Boredom, stops by.

If we act like we're busy, he'll usually take the hint and leave. So basically Lazy, our crazy bud that our parents warned us not to associate with, tells us that we should not get caught up in all the "doing stuff", cause like, there's no end to it man. Where's the freedom in that? We should live our live by feeling, and if we have to do stuff, we should do stuff we feel like.

The results of his philosophy, the consequences of his advice, are immediately evident. It feel good. Usually in comparison to something we're doing this instead of that feel bad. Then it feel real good. But soon, too soon, it don't feel that good, so we look for something else.

We look around for our friend Lazy's hot girlfriend, Distraction. She walks in the room often and, of course, we just have to watch her. Then try to figure out what we were doing before, when she walks out. She knows she's messing with Lazy's head to, and just gives us both a wink and she's gone, until the next thing she remembers.

Sometimes Lazy's slow cousins, tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee drop by. They are stupid, but mildly amusing. So we watch them , talk to them, but not that seriously. We may learn some odd trivia on occasion, but usually when it leave, it was the mental equivalent of chewing gum. Felt kinda good, simulated something else, but no substance. And that could be a day or an evening with Lazy, and it can go on forever for some."


Kenji

Just give up everything

Think I'll just move. Give up all connections to those who are against me. Start life new as if we were the last survivors...except for visits to our parents. I've more pain here than comfort. The people I brought to my hometown to enhance their lives now make it a nightmare experience for me to live here. Ah so it goes.