"I don't want to be with you"

Most parents probably hear that at one time or another from most every kid they raise.

Kids can say the most hurtful things. Like the 4 year old that not only missed her nap but wasn't happy about not getting to play a game she wanted to play, telling her daddy that she doesn't want to be with him anymore and just wants to go home to her mother. Saying "you're not my real dad, my mom will marry a husband and he will be my real dad, you're my stepdad"...and "I don't want to see you anymore and I don't want to be here"...Now the biggest part of all that translates out ...she didn't get her nap today so 1030 at night she's mean. (If you've never raised a strong willed child, you may have not experienced the amazing horrendousness that fatigue will bring on).

But isn't it strange that they spout out words that have a particularly sharp edge to them. I guess what every parent would want to hear is how much their child loves them and how thankful they are to have you as their parent. (And sometimes I actually hear that version too).

The wisdom side of my being understands enough to realize like Christ did "they know not what they do". But the heart feels the ache of rejection, and feels the sting of ungratefulness.
The analytical side brings to mind all the counselling and psychology studies in my background and understands there is alot of screwed up psyche in a kid being brought up by parents in seperate homes, especially when they stay with one parent 85% and the other 15%. It's likely that over 100,000 people this very weekend are enduring the same pain that I feel at this moment.

I'm ready to set it aside because to dwell on it really only amounts to feeling sorry for self and thats a pretty unproductive place for the brain to dwell...but a part of me wants to think about it abit and try to find the path that will lead the child into a greater level of kindness...and a better level of acceptance of things as they are.

Case studies would show this same issue being dealt with in many facets. Like the disneyland dad that always spends his weekends with the kids totally entertaining them while the mom who has them day in and day out during the week doesn't stand a chance of competing. Yet there is also the situations where the child is actually very insecure in the majority-home so they fear being away from the major caregiver very long at a time. Sometimes they are afraid to attach to close to the weekend parent afraid it will hurt their weekday parent.

So much psycho mumbo jumbo...but my experience is..even when problems have many facets, solutions are usually simple and narrow in scope. While we all hope our children will love us and grow up to love us even more...its not a healthy thing to parent in such a way that we avoid doing anything that might make them angry or unloving toward us.

I remember telling my older children when they were young that while I would sure want them to love me, that wasn't my ultimate purpose in bringing them up. I had a responsibility to train and discipline and love them...but it was to be always based on what would best train and prepare them...If I lost sight of that and started just catering all interactions with the child towards obtaining their love...I not only would do them a great disservice, I would be failing in my true responsibilities.
My goal in raising children is not ultimately to have them love and cherish me...my goal is to raise them up in a way that empowers them to make good moral and spiritual and vocational character.

"Even if you never love me, I will always love you"..."It hurts me when you say the things you say but at the same time,..I won't stop loving you and looking out for you. Do they know enough at 4 years old, after a long napless day...to be communicating true well thought out beliefs? Doubtful. Does her mom and I need to be doing something different to help the child better grasp dual citizenship instead of "visitation"? Is this an omen of an attitude that will continue to grow and worsen or is this simply the tired words of a 4 year old feeling confused and torn as if they are having to "give up" mom by being with dad? Something they will later outgrow or something they will grow further into?

Then there is the self doubt. Am I really failing this child so badly that they honestly do not want to be with me, honestly do not want me to be their dad? Am I not entertaining enough, fun enough, providing enough enjoyment for them to enjoy being here? Yet I also know that usually when people strike out with such hurtfulness, it indicates fear or hurt or something strong and unpleasant inside themselves. (including even exhaustion) Does she close her heart and push me away to protect herself from missing me or is it a fear that she will not be with her mother ever again? Her mother and I ran into blocks that kept the relationship from working but I remind little one often that I will always love her mother and that both her mother and I love her dearly...and I'm not trying to steal her away.

What about the parent who truly is a lousy parent, who doesn't care one hoot about the child...and the child loves and adores them.Just doesn't seem fair.

It's hard but essential to appreciate that just because you want to get closer to your children it does not mean they, at the same time, will have similar inclinations toward you.

Parents that were never married and live in seperate homes, but share a young daughter . Dad was upset...the daughter, wants to visit him when he comes home every third weekend from working out of town. But 2 days into the 3 day visit she wants to go home. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her mom. Dad’s house is "boring" since the cat ran away...

So there I sat beside her bed with my feelings hurt, and some deep concern over whether this is just a phase or a heads-up into something that will digress more...but I talked to her about kindness and how very important it was that she be kind to people and that I loved her and needed time with her, and it hurt my heart for her to say the things she said. I even told her that I would pray for her that God would help her learn to be more kind. And that just like she had to learn to use the potty, and had to learn to read, she had to work on becoming a kind person and not saying things to hurt other peoples feelings. (Yeah, a 4 year old is really going to wrap their head around that!)

On the other hand. Ya do all you can do, and then you've done all you could. If someone is going to love ya they are going to love ya and if they are going to reject you they are going to reject you, and what is, is. I'm a firm believer in listening, trying, thinking, loving whole heartedly and unconditionally...and then when I've done all I'm able with my limited brain to figure out to do. Accept whatever is and consider it "just the way it is".

Yeah, I know by in the morning it will be an entirely different tune with the little stink. She got her need to vent satisfied, even if it was at my expense. Sometimes in our journey here, we're supposed to experience sadness.

(non-related to subject Quote for the day):
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.