Repairable?

The bottom line is not "do I love her?" and it is not "does she love me?"...as I once believed. Now with the explosive events of 8 days ago, I'm realizing that there is more than one "bottom line"...because this particular bottom line seems to be well covered. Yet I still am the sole occupant of the house.

There are cases of spousal abuse likely every day in this world. Many if not most instances are part of a pattern of abuse. Being inclined to move thoughtfully and heartfully it is easy for me to forgive but it is with great caution and thought that I have to consider whether the one incident is the beginning of a pattern or was an isolated issue.

So as M-80 and I meet and spend time together discussing our concerns, I've no doubt that my love for her is not tainted. From her words, her love for me is not diminished either. Yet in life I've found that that isn't enough to make things work. It should be, under the true definition of love, but it isn't. Without Love there is nothing. With love, there is still not perfect harmony on the outside actions with our inside feelings.

We are human after all...wretched sinners one and all. Even some of the most righteous people I know that avow a love for God and man...fail to escape the status of "wretched sinner" when they look down on others with contempt and like the prayer Jesus talked about there is an opening of dialogue with God "I thank you God that I am not like these other people". The people Jesus would have looked upon with a tender yearning heart...these select "righteous few" look at others as beneath them, unworthy, and to be avoided. Thus bringing them to the same state of wretchedness as the rest.

The entire message in the love letter God wrote man...called "the Holy Bible"...is climaxed in the cleansing of our souls through our belief in Jesus and the sacrifice He made in our behalf. The other part of that message is the necessity of that cleansing...our unworthiness on our own merits. No matter how "righteous" we may think we have been, "wretched sinner" is the stamp at the top of the page of our deeds.

I know that we will be forgiven only to the extent we forgive others. I'm aware of nobody that I have not forgiven that has sinned against me...and I've humbly accepted that were it not for the forgiveness and cleansing extended in God's grace, I would be contemptible in His sight...but He loves me, and because I believe in Him and the righteousness through Grace, I treasure my Hope (desire with expectation; thereby different than simply a wish) of salvation.

So when it comes to my relationship with M-80, there is nothing even in all the commotion that I hold against her unforgiven. I love her and she loves me, and yet...we are apart still. While we try to resolve whatever lead up to the explosion, knowing that "once" is an incident...anything past that is a pattern and it is my opinion that if there is a pattern of "spousal abuse"...then the "love perceived" is not a "love I need".

If someone crosses the line of violence towards their spouse..is that because of their cultural or environmental learning? Is it because of extreme hatred and rage? Is it because of (in today's terminology) a chemical crossfire in our wiring? Is it caused by a drug...whether doctors ordered or bought off the street, from prozac to meth to liquor ?

The answer? Could be any of the above or more...but finding and fixing the cause is the real issue...do they love you enough to do that? If not, then I will move on my journey in peace and wish them well.

Even when we surround ourselves with others, I have only my one life and it is mine and mine alone...everybody has one and only one life to live, and they live it alone. When I hear of people taking final leaps over loves gone bad, it reveals yet another person who failed to grasp that making life worth living was their own individual responsibility and privilege, nobody else.

Yes, it is repairable...and repair is a requirement before reconciliation because when it comes to violence and the potential for me losing this one life I have that is my own, survival is a quite important part of my plan. And on top of that, I don't want to expose the young ones to an "acceptability of violence" because I don't want them later treating someone that way because of their "environmental learning" and I wouldn't want them staying in that situation as the abused because of their "environmental learning" either.

Anyhow ....that is my feelings on the subject in general and in particular. Personally, I have my fingers crossed and prayers said that M-80 makes it through the struggle because I sure enjoy her company and love. We'll wait, we'll see.

Had a great weekend though, got away and just camped down by a lake and watched the moon and stars at night. A raccoon sat on my picnic table and ate chips one by one out my bbq chips bag until I ran it off. Even though native American, that lake reflected enough sun rays to give me a pretty decent sun burn...so far not too painful though.

Job situation still looking good for September, or at least hopeful. We'll see.
Alot to do today still repairing and clearing out the house. My phone number has changed so you might have to get that from Ma when you visit with her. Pa George has some testing coming up physically that have me a bit concerned, and Ma will be starting some Physical Therapy that hopefully will bring some relief. Grace Kelly is doing great, she was working on hand stands yesterday and said that bean bag was really saving her when she fell. As for my other two offspring, they seem to have reached a level of sainthood that far exceeds my level of worthiness so bless their hearts, their world has gotten too small for even their own kinfolk to be a part of.

One day at a time, and today is a fine one. Better log before my computer locks up, will likely be a month or two or more before I have the money to get it fixed so I'm trying to make this one last long enough to get me a job...LOL.

Hope it is a great week for all.