The Gargoyle...and me.

Sitting on the right side of the sink he catches my eyes as a short nights sleep abruptly ended with a slumber stumbler to the shower where my mind began to sort itself out and thoughts came rolling through.

Phantosmia is back and driving me crazy, a strong sensation like smelling..but its there even on the breathing out part of the cycle and the odor doesn't exist and can't quite get it figured out where I've smelled that smell before. Not perfumey like a couple years ago when it came on the first time. This is a distinct, specific odor and I can almost recall where I've smelled it before but it is beyond my reach.

Mental Adjustment. That seems to define this last 2 months. Further. Further back still. How long has my mind been going through serious readjustment !! Nevermind, does the beginning matter?...alot of changes in my life this past decade. There is so much ...what is it called? Those two words seem to fit it..mental adjustment...going on, needing done, been happening. Is it like a ping pong ball bouncing off walls making a journey based on the angle of the wall it hits? Is that how life is ? But now instead of a ping pong ball its a little creature rolled into a ball bouncing off the walls making a journey based on the angle of the walls it hits but thinking "Hey, wait a minute, I've got to get control of this, this is not the direction I want to be going..this is not the right journey....(boing) headed another way now...woah...looks like I'm trapped in a maze now and getting just over there seems so impossible (boing) ahh dang it...still don't have control of this ship.

Shutting the water off, sliding the curtain back, reaching out for the towel...maybe my eyes are closed. Drying off, hanging up the towel, hands on the bathroom sink counter top...staring into the mirror, seeing a tiredness of the bouncing off walls. Wow has it been a few days since I've shaved now. Maybe that will help. There to my right on the counter top, by the wall sits the gargoyle. I've looked at him often and still he has that same expression that moved me to buy it in the first place. "Hey old friend, you stuck like that?" Hmmm...is it asking me that, or the other way around?

Life pauses for a moment, "Hey old friend, you stuck like that?"...Finish shaving, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair...realizing again that its really getting time for a haircut. Think I've got a plan if I can just make myself get it done to stop that being bounced directions I don't want to go. Maybe I'm not stuck. But will it happen this time or in the end will I just be sitting like that gargoyle. Its hands are over its ears to show that it can not hear. Is it relating to me and my loss of hearing? It just sits there.

If that stone gargoyle had a life inside it, trapped by its shell...just stuck like that, its view determined by whatever happens to it, just driving it crazy as it makes more and more mental adjustments. I like that gargoyle. It is one of several that are in my house. It calms me down somehow. Helps me pause and clear my mind. In a weird way its like feeling "understood".

Drying out my ears with those cotton ball sticks, tossing it in the trash, but turning back one last time to look and kind of nod my head to the little statue. The gargoyle...and me.