Was a journey for my mind

Nothing really personal in this particular post...just an excerpt from a post i found fascinating and hilarious.

WHEN I WAS IN THE FIFTH GRADE IN 1954, my teacher pulled me aside after a class party to give me some friendly advice. "Stephanie," he said, "the boys would like you more if you didn't use such big words." I still remember his exact words, because they came as such a shock. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that the boys might not like me. My teacher's advice didn't stop me from using big words or aspiring to academic success. I entered the citywide spelling bee that spring and was more upset by coming in second than I had been by my teacher's warning. But while my disappointment at losing the spelling bee quickly faded, the teacher's words stuck in my head. For the next 20 years, I believed that the things I most liked to do and most wanted to be made me less attractive to men.

I certainly wasn't the first girl to grow up thinking that aspiring to higher education or a fulfilling career meant jeopardizing her chance of marriage, motherhood, and personal happiness. As early as 1778, according to Harvard University historian Nancy F. Cott, author of the 2000 book Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation, Abigail Adams complained to her husband, John, about the fashion of ridiculing female learning. In 1838, a prominent marriage adviser labeled intellectual women "mental hermaphrodites," less capable of loving a man or bearing a child than a "true" woman. In 1873, Dr. Edward H. Clarke, a prominent professor at Harvard Medical School, noted that the rigors of higher education diverted blood from a woman's uterus to her brain, making her irritable and infertile. Women who pursued careers, he warned, had little chance of marrying and even less chance of bearing a healthy child. Early in the next century, another doctor asserted that when women saw themselves as competent in school or at work, they acquired a "self-assertive, independent character, which renders it impossible to love, honor, and obey." In consequence, he complained, middle- and upper-class males were forced to remain single or dip into the lower classes to find an "uneducated wife" who would not scorn to perform the duties of her sex.

Its quite a transport from whatever else you might have been thinking about before you started reading it. I was amazed that so much study and thought had gone into it, and amazed at her sometimes warped reaction...like to what the teacher said., the whole article and the thought process of the writer.

Still June 19th

Creating a petition for the court regarding an equitable division of the marital estate kept me up till about 3am. Good thing I had it because the court was running so slow that what was supposed to happen at 9am didn't happen till noon-thirty. both parties were in agreement and thus saved a tremendous amount of court time and even saved the necessity of another court date. But that whole ordeal is now done and parts of history.

Been a long day today and I'm just now stopping to rest so, even replaced the a/c air filter and put new screws in he patio gate hinges. Working hard at getting stuff set up at my new place...definitely going to be building shelves.

There is alot to say today but I'm just too tired.
overall it was a busy but good day.

goodnight.

Short Post of a busy week

Busy yesterday moving another load of "hers" to the house...another load of "mine" to storage. Application for a place to rent was accepted, being remodeled, they hope to have it ready this weekend so should be moved in by Monday and moving little brother in by next Wednesday.

Didn't move anything today, kind of overdid it yesterday ending up about 1am...besides not eating a single bite of food yesterday so that didn't help. Pain from that day is almost gone.

Todays goal was getting utilities appointment for turn on at the new place, done. Other goal (and absolute) not yet complete...finish paperwork gathering for the SSDI hearing tomorrow.

Sorry to all those who have tried to call I seem to be out of service area most of the time lately.

Ma's been busy preparing paperwork to get Nebraska child support off their stupid stupid heartless butts (description is my opinion). They based my disabled brother's child support on his pre-disability income because his ex wife perjured herself in stating he was still making the income he was making long before he was disabled...But Sarpy County Nebraska doesn't seem to care about facts, just procedures...which mentally he was incompetent to follow thru with. I feel sorry for those who live there. If I were king for a day...some guy named Mckenzie or something like that would spend his career with a straw broom cleaning gutters instead of representing the county government in any kind of legal capacity. But maybe not, because I think I'd want the streets cleaner than that.

Even when presented with the facts that the ex wife wrongly claimed his income at nearly 4x the actual income, they still don't feel that is relevant enough to open up the case and review and modify. Ma has done an EXCELLENT JOB, definitely would have been an excellent lawyer had she chosen to pursue that...but think she has too much heart and character to qualify for the job.

Don't know for sure what to report about the divorce status. I offered an either or deal. You take A and I take B or....You take B and I'll take A...your pick. I'm still having trouble comprehending why that is seen as "unfair".

Have been looking forward to the Uncle Sam tax rebate (not refund, that came and went to paying bills and buying beds)...Finally saw on my bank records that it had already come in...but seemed out of 1200 rebate, about 500 and 400 and 400 went to help fund checks to open "her" private account...so thats gone..the bright side of that is...I can quit looking for it to come in.

While I believe the few things I'm requesting is way way less than the after-debt equity in the place...evidently she doesn't. Hopefully she will get an appraiser that can tell her what I already know...my guess is there is at least 20 grand in equity above the debt...the few disputed things that I've requested don't come anywhere near to the 10grand of that equity that would be coming to me. My hopes on that are...that she learns quickly that my offer is WAY above and beyond generously fair, maybe then she won't be so hard to deal with.

Busy night tonight, busy day every day this week. Hope to get some time Saturday with my precious 6 year old...was supposed to get her last week but I wasn't in any kind of emotional state to be with her.

Will be moving this weekend or Monday at the latest...so some of the time she may be spending at grammys if they are available, but the rest of the time...I've got alot of fun stuff planned for her.

Looks like if I watch my pennies on the remaining checks coming in from last employer I should be in good shape for the month of June and part of July...but probably be hitting work hard before the end of July. Of course some of that depends on how expensive and drawn out the divorce becomes. I've tried to be as peaceful and fair as possible to keep court fees and lawyer fees at a minimum but...no matter what I do towards that end, I'm only one of the two parts. So we'll see.

I actually tried going to the movies today with some special hearing aids, but only understood maybe 10 words in the whole movie. That is really really a sad thing. Have alot of pain in my joints today, but overall I'm thankful and happy about having yet another day of life.

Still working at navigating life to an even greater level of peace and happiness.
Gotta get after it...fixing to eat some watermelon, cantaloupe, banana, apple, and orange slices and take a break before getting back to work on the Social Security paperwork.

Have a happy day...might as well because I am.

Rainy Day Agenda

Had to cancel the "stuff transfer" from storage/house today with the heavy rain, and even now with it stopped it isn't helpful because the yard I need to drive in would be too wet. Drains or dries pretty quick though so if it doesn't rain more tonight be back in good shape for tomorrow.

Found a 3br house about 70 minutes away that had a BEAUTIFUL view of the township it was in and the valley. Was asking 500 per month, but was in desperate need of thorough cleaning and the carpet throughout was ruined, the doors were the "You want in? break glass, turn lock to unlock" kind. There was no stove. The front main room heater had been removed. There was a piano and bed and tables etcetera the owner intended to just leave stored in the house. The owner being 86 naturally I asked if he would be interested in selling...its in a living will, goes to one of his kids who would then have it appraised and sell it.

Since he was the last one living there I didn't want to stress how grungy nasty the place was...I figure it would take at least 50 hours of sincere scrubbing and a fair amount of degreaser or even trisodium phosphate and scotch pads to get that place ready to bug spray and Lysol, and thats not even mentioning all the little repairs and painting needing done. Single pane windows...so cooling/heating wouldn't be cheap. Not to mention the fact that if I am somehow miraculously able to resume my old career I'd be traveling most of the month which would leave little brother a very long ways from people who could check on him regularly.

Just called and canceled that opportunity. Still have good hopes that the small but nice trailer near moms place will work out, if it does I'll go ahead and pay for it for the last half of June and all of July with my remaining checks coming in, and hopefully get the utilities turned on with that. This will give little brother a place to stay "mostly" on his own and give me a place to come "home to" when not on the road.

Still waiting on the lawyers..well, "her" lawyer at this point since he is actually the one who filed. Hopefully he will submit the right papers this time that my lawyer can review and all agreed the legal stuff will be over with. My goal for the week is to get the property exchange finished....her stuff out of storage, my stuff in it.

As soon as I can get working again and generating income I'll be looking for land to move the metal building onto to continue finishing out. I used epoxy ceramic coating on a sea train shipping container high cube. Need to build a foundation this time, with metal corners pressed into the cement with rebar so I can weld the building to it, at that point it should be even better than a storm cellar. Finish welding in a frame for the sliding glass door to set in, a covered deck then finish out the inside walls inside with some high tech bubble wrap type insulation and t1-11 grooved rough sawn siding treated with polyurethane..a tile floor, a bathroom, cabinets..etc...
Will take alot more work and money but eventually can be a very very nice efficiency for him that should be relatively safe from destruction and fire and storm and neglect.

So many things on my mind these days, but overall I am holding up ok.
I pretty much live one day at a time. Looking back over my shoulder sure I see some mistakes. Looking ahead I see some concerns. But overall today has been good enough.

It is interesting what we learn as time goes by. Doubtful that many people out there know me very well if at all, but I'm actually compassionate and generous to a fault. For example, when it became clear to me that for my own emotional stability my marriage was going to have to end...about a year or so ago...it was my idea that I could continue to be of financial and emotional support and change that relationship to a friendship. My relationship with someone else fulfilling the starving hole in me. While some would see this as dishonorable cheating...I saw as a more gradual gentle compassionate path of breaking free from the situation that was draining my spirit beyond recharge.

Would it have been more noble, more kind, more compassionate to have just moved out a year ago and said "no more" ? Maybe so. Would have been easier on me and probably much cleaner for my reputation, both paths would have ended up at the same place, I chose the other path because it seemed to me the most peaceful and most helpful.

So as twisted as it may seem...to me it was more kind to sacrifice character/reputation by building the life I needed while easing gently out of the life that was quickly reaching a point beyond what I could tolerate with politeness.

Anyhow there are those who continue to hold my actions in contempt, even though the very core of reasons behind it all are rooted in an attempt to mix compassion and self preservation into the same bucket. Sometimes that is an incompatible mix. Kind of fascinating when you think about it. There is no easy answer.

So for those of you who just can't see why I didn't just walk out a year ago from a relationship that was not fixable/survivable ... maybe you are right, I will admit that just maybe that is the way I should have handled that. Before getting involved with anyone else. But in my heart...I had hoped I could still fulfill needs of the one person, while spending a little time each week in a relationship that fulfilled mine. In the end it didn't work. For some, it might have worked. For many in history, it has worked. In my situation, it failed and was an unacceptable solution.

So when this is read and people say "that guy is nuts"...heck, who knows, maybe thinking outside the box on how I could fulfill "her" needs...and "mine"...simultaneously...maybe I am nuts. But my heart was in the right place. Self survival took over when self sacrifice said "hey buddy, you're running on empty". So even if trying to go about that self survival in a gentle gradual way was a mistake, it was my motive.

By the time this week ends I hope to be housed, have some idea on employment lined up, have little brother housed, have the SSDI hearing completed, and be finished moving my stuff from my old house, and into storage or my new place.

In the past I've been reluctant to pray because I didn't want to bother the Creator with my piddly problems. That has changed. I've been encouraged to offer up my prayers to God each night, with a thankful heart that He has forgiveness for my errors, telling Him what I want and need Him to handle, what I want and am working to make happen.

With my palms lifted up, as I face East looking into the depths of the night sky...in awe of the massive creation, even with all my failures I feel His presence, His forgiveness, and my heart knows it is being heard. And now it is for me to do the listening...and watching...to what God says and shows...and for that, I don't need hearing aids...I just need to slow down and wait. Slow down and look. Spend time reading His words to learn even more of the personality of our Creator.

My blood pressure and stats today were 117/76 with a pulse of 56.
My spirit today was at peace.
My view of the day...not as productive as I had hoped, but productive. Content. Progressive. I am doing ok.