The expression "My nerves are just gone"

What did he mean "my nerves are just gone"? Mrs Beans explained what she thought that meant with an example.."just like that music when we first went into taco bell tonight... " (interrupt to clarify...."you didn't like that music?") she continued... "I didn't say I didn't like it, I just couldn't take it, it was just in my head, it was very uncomfortable "...(and she trailed off with a "yikes" expression of someone whose "nerves are shot" but they are having to suffer the irritant anyway...)

Maybe, maybe thats what my greatgrandpa meant? He shared that with me when he was about 93 when I mentioned some activity involving a group of kids. "my nerves are just gone, I don't have any left". Any enhancing or clarifying visual cues into his meaning would only include him leaning into the message, with a serious "its a fact I've just accepted" look.

I reflect often on times we spent together. Picturing his expressions and remembering things he said or did. Wow, what an experience to have had in my life! Having the chance to be an adult and yet talk with your GREAT Grandfather...who is at that point already into his 90's by a few years. Nineties! And the years he lived in were quite a bit different! He has always been with me reminding me to see life as "comfortable", a place with laughter and orneriness and kindness.

He was always a kind, laugh-easy guy...to be sure, there was definitely an irish side of him that could harden up like a purposed steel tool and be downright mad...but that was seldom seen these days..mostly now just his playful orneryness that always had his eye cocked up and his tongue sticking out thru smiling lips, sheer glee in his eyes, glee and active orneriness!

That Randy Travis song about his grandpa , "I thought he walked on water" was SO about my great-grandpa in my eyes! That song captures it, I can "feel" it as if it were my heart singing it. (Right down to the part.."my momma's daddy was his oldest son")

I well remember a time back when I was still in the small end of single digits being in the bathroom, and upon finishing up decided to use that shaver I spotted on my way in there, and I climbed up on the counter quietly, so i could be next to the medicine cabinet- mirror and I was "shaving" like a grown up.

Just as I nicked my earlobe (just enough to bleed ) I could hear his voice reaching all the way in there from the other room..."you're not shaving are you?" and explained with some worry in your voice that I wasn't to do that. "No" I replied, thinking silently..."not anymore".
I was quiet too! But that man, he just "knew" stuff.

When I came out of the bathroom, he was ready and waiting on me, we were going to the store. He was enjoying having some time just he and his great grandson, he let me drive some of the way,...sitting in his lap with him kinda keeping his hands ready on the wheel.

In the rear-view mirror I saw him and he looked eye to eye with me pointing at the little shaving nick. His eyes were sparkling and gleeful and fired by orneriness..a big "I gotcha" smile...He didn't even ask about the blood dotted tissue paper wadding I had sticking to my ear. He knew. Somehow that didn't surprise me.

From deep within him he was kind. You could see that, clearly. We were headed to the store to get "Pixley" sticks...thats what I thought they had said, and it was years later before I realized that those were "Pixie" sticks. Man, being in the town called "Pixley", I was anxious to get some Fresh made Pixley sticks! He never corrected me. If he had been saying it right in the past, he now called them Pixley sticks.

We went from there, just down the street a short ways...to his son's car lot. Here I met my "Uncle Pete". I gotta tell ya about my much loved Uncle Pete another time,...and how he had been ornery & lovin it even on our first occasion to meet, though I didn't realize that till later.

Fast forwarding till I'm in my 30's, I'm now sitting there in a chair near him so he can hear me easier and I can see his eyes when we talk..at this point in his 90's but still living on his own in a semi- assisted apartment. When he spoke, I listened.

"My nerves are just, gone....i don't have any left." Is this the same as "my nerves are SHOT!?"...or is it something different entirely that I may not experience till I'm in my 90's ? Maybe how Mrs. Beans defined it "i didn't say I didn't like it, I just couldn't take it"...is precisely it. That would explain why many of the elderly find solitude in quiet dimly lit homes...cutting way down on all the sensory input.

WHY ISN'T IT DONE?

Thoughts that keep coming back like a bad dream....I keep thinking about the upper cabinet sitting in the kitchen by the fridge, still needing hung. I know thats one of those things shes looking forward to me doing and will be very thankful for, (so yeah i feel pressured to do it, guilty for putting it off).

With the cabinet already bought and already taken out of the box and brought into the kitchen, the next step is actually not overwhelming...roughly mark a measure on the wall the width on the cabinet, locate the two studs within that width...mark the wall with a straight edge the two lines showing the center of the studs...high to low, above and below where the cabinet will be...

Probably have to get out my tape measure, pencils and maybe framing square and stud sensor (if i can get the stupid thing to tell the truth...it has trouble doing that on simple walls, just going thru the sheetrock...and this one is tougher with 3/4" wood on top of the sheetrock on top of the studs). And bring in the stepstool...and do it.

"The next step"..is That easy. I believed that any project, once divided into baby steps, is virtually completed and certainly should require very little motivation... since each step is manageable and not excessively demanding. In fact that being done, it should make the task pull up enthusiasm, almost excitement, completion is simple or at least very doable...but definitely nothing to dread or procrastinate without cause.

So why is it still undone? Why is it still undone? Self Analysis time? Sure...I need to digin and really evaluate this...

...anything to put off going in there and hanging that cabinet.

Relationships can be enjoyed EXAMPLE #214

Trying to figure out where shes's going to put that armload of boxes she labors towards the door with I have to ask ..."Are you sitting those boxes out there for me to burn?" The reply was sudden, a Startlingly abrubt "No!" , not as if it was shouted, more like it was seriously determined..an unspoken but clear.. "you are not to burn these, these are going to recycling bin".

Interesting the abruptness (determined)...i guess really into this recycling thing and so independently carrying it out from instigation to collection to transporting, completing the process provides her a good boost in self image for some reason, so I chuckle silently to myself.

I find enjoyment in seeing that she is having good satisfaction from it all. As I picture her loading it all up and stretching out the little net thing she bought for the purpose, and then see her at the wheel as the smoky old truck rattles up the driveway as she heads for the bins 6-8 minutes away.

Silently I think about it being easier on me since burning cardboard boxes ya gotta stick around and knock down the floaters ...or at least keep an eye on them...so its ok that shes not putting them into my to-be-burned pile....

I think about how to respond to her emphatic response in a way to aknowledge that her strong wish is heard and will be complied with/granted/honored. And at the same time, will explain that my laughing is in no way a bad thing. It is just one of those uniqueties of hers that tickles me that she gets so protective of her labors in this recycling effort.

What is interesting is that its not about the merits of recycling ecology or pollution wise..in the way she thinks. Its about "wasted usefulness". By the fact that somebody is willing to do something with it, shes happy to help them, happy to provide something for them, so in that way she was able to find a "useful" purpose for it instead of giving it up to be burned in the trash. Thats reserved for things that went beyond her finding some other use for.

So later, even if I am outside burning the trash, and time and opportunity to burn those boxes presents itself...I wouldn't dare. That would take away from a project start to finish she enjoys and esteems being a part of. Don't take that away, it wouldn't be "helping"...besides all that it would seem logical if it made her mad, if she saw it as a flagrant lack of respect for her right to have room to do her things her way.

The Dentist is Danged , I think.

To avoid giving much weight to my complaint with the dentist as to how painful versus gentle....it must be considered that I've not had a cap/crown put on ever before or elsewhere so there is nothing to compare my dentist with in my mind, except the "ideal" situation I might have expected.

...but dang, I'm tired of that guy hurting my mouth!...and making it seem a shock that its so painful...like i'm some sort of pansy...dang, im gonna at least see if there isn't somebody more into pain relief and what not..and I hope its a different world out there!

Well...he says if treated right the cap/crown ought to last 20 years or better....(oh great..i gotta go thru this again at that OLDER age?). If all else had been perfect in life I might have said hey, its a good time to afford and deal with challenges with benefits..so heres what do, pull that tooth, send me to an oral surgeon, get an implant, and have a tooth made. ..That should be for life, replacing a worn out tooth on an implant shouldn't be of any discomfort at all...unscrew it, replace it.

Maybe he was telling the truth this time, its not going to be painful enough to justify pain medicine...(darn)...(and yet..Yay!)...Uncomfortable right now, and probably will be when I eat, going to delay chewing too much over there till its not so sensitive. I feel ALOT of discomfort and distracting but light constant pain as the number is wearing off. Well..maybe this is done.

This started and got its temporary while I was insured...and got finished with permanent while I was uninsured...should be covered, nothing would surprise me...Either gotta get that Cobra plan going or get them on the ball at the new co. for their "immediate coverage"...but the deductible will have to be met anyhow...maybe it would be cheaper to just pay the actual costs instead of cobra...for the stuff between last company and onset at this one.

Got the pleasant sound coming from the kitchen that sounds like someone else is taking care of fixing dinner tonight...and that means some good eatings...at least on one side of my mouth.