Repairable?

The bottom line is not "do I love her?" and it is not "does she love me?"...as I once believed. Now with the explosive events of 8 days ago, I'm realizing that there is more than one "bottom line"...because this particular bottom line seems to be well covered. Yet I still am the sole occupant of the house.

There are cases of spousal abuse likely every day in this world. Many if not most instances are part of a pattern of abuse. Being inclined to move thoughtfully and heartfully it is easy for me to forgive but it is with great caution and thought that I have to consider whether the one incident is the beginning of a pattern or was an isolated issue.

So as M-80 and I meet and spend time together discussing our concerns, I've no doubt that my love for her is not tainted. From her words, her love for me is not diminished either. Yet in life I've found that that isn't enough to make things work. It should be, under the true definition of love, but it isn't. Without Love there is nothing. With love, there is still not perfect harmony on the outside actions with our inside feelings.

We are human after all...wretched sinners one and all. Even some of the most righteous people I know that avow a love for God and man...fail to escape the status of "wretched sinner" when they look down on others with contempt and like the prayer Jesus talked about there is an opening of dialogue with God "I thank you God that I am not like these other people". The people Jesus would have looked upon with a tender yearning heart...these select "righteous few" look at others as beneath them, unworthy, and to be avoided. Thus bringing them to the same state of wretchedness as the rest.

The entire message in the love letter God wrote man...called "the Holy Bible"...is climaxed in the cleansing of our souls through our belief in Jesus and the sacrifice He made in our behalf. The other part of that message is the necessity of that cleansing...our unworthiness on our own merits. No matter how "righteous" we may think we have been, "wretched sinner" is the stamp at the top of the page of our deeds.

I know that we will be forgiven only to the extent we forgive others. I'm aware of nobody that I have not forgiven that has sinned against me...and I've humbly accepted that were it not for the forgiveness and cleansing extended in God's grace, I would be contemptible in His sight...but He loves me, and because I believe in Him and the righteousness through Grace, I treasure my Hope (desire with expectation; thereby different than simply a wish) of salvation.

So when it comes to my relationship with M-80, there is nothing even in all the commotion that I hold against her unforgiven. I love her and she loves me, and yet...we are apart still. While we try to resolve whatever lead up to the explosion, knowing that "once" is an incident...anything past that is a pattern and it is my opinion that if there is a pattern of "spousal abuse"...then the "love perceived" is not a "love I need".

If someone crosses the line of violence towards their spouse..is that because of their cultural or environmental learning? Is it because of extreme hatred and rage? Is it because of (in today's terminology) a chemical crossfire in our wiring? Is it caused by a drug...whether doctors ordered or bought off the street, from prozac to meth to liquor ?

The answer? Could be any of the above or more...but finding and fixing the cause is the real issue...do they love you enough to do that? If not, then I will move on my journey in peace and wish them well.

Even when we surround ourselves with others, I have only my one life and it is mine and mine alone...everybody has one and only one life to live, and they live it alone. When I hear of people taking final leaps over loves gone bad, it reveals yet another person who failed to grasp that making life worth living was their own individual responsibility and privilege, nobody else.

Yes, it is repairable...and repair is a requirement before reconciliation because when it comes to violence and the potential for me losing this one life I have that is my own, survival is a quite important part of my plan. And on top of that, I don't want to expose the young ones to an "acceptability of violence" because I don't want them later treating someone that way because of their "environmental learning" and I wouldn't want them staying in that situation as the abused because of their "environmental learning" either.

Anyhow ....that is my feelings on the subject in general and in particular. Personally, I have my fingers crossed and prayers said that M-80 makes it through the struggle because I sure enjoy her company and love. We'll wait, we'll see.

Had a great weekend though, got away and just camped down by a lake and watched the moon and stars at night. A raccoon sat on my picnic table and ate chips one by one out my bbq chips bag until I ran it off. Even though native American, that lake reflected enough sun rays to give me a pretty decent sun burn...so far not too painful though.

Job situation still looking good for September, or at least hopeful. We'll see.
Alot to do today still repairing and clearing out the house. My phone number has changed so you might have to get that from Ma when you visit with her. Pa George has some testing coming up physically that have me a bit concerned, and Ma will be starting some Physical Therapy that hopefully will bring some relief. Grace Kelly is doing great, she was working on hand stands yesterday and said that bean bag was really saving her when she fell. As for my other two offspring, they seem to have reached a level of sainthood that far exceeds my level of worthiness so bless their hearts, their world has gotten too small for even their own kinfolk to be a part of.

One day at a time, and today is a fine one. Better log before my computer locks up, will likely be a month or two or more before I have the money to get it fixed so I'm trying to make this one last long enough to get me a job...LOL.

Hope it is a great week for all.

Peace

Even though I've got a restraining/protective order in place to help me have the peace I seek, and even though I keep a semi automatic pistol nearby that I can pinch the wings off a fly with....I am home, I am alone, and I feel the greatest joy I've felt in so very very many years.

Got a deal lined up with Uhaul for in the morning...if Firecrackers's mom talks her into giving me the keys she stole for my cave...which i think she will because without those keys back the keys Firecracker lost will never be found...and those computer chp keys, house keys, pickup keys...pretty expensive trade. Talked about it with her ma, and she was going to check into it herself...after all somehow m80 has been opening the Sentry safe for her meds...yet without HER key...meaning..she has my keys..which also include my cave...I need that by in the morning.

My phone didn't like swimming with me, so gotta get a new one, but M80 refused to let me keep my number..even though it has been mine for a decade...the ATT people advised me to got to US Cell and just port the number over...its on tomorrows list...however tempted I am to make about 17 hours of international calls to "teach her" not to do that...wouldn't do any good as far as "good" goes.

So tomorrow I'll try to swing by US Cell and steal my own number.

Got a good deal lined up with a friend of mine that has been a friend for over 10 years. $250 a month would cover my share of the rent and utilities. I'd have to bring my own mattress, file cabinet and storage cabinets...but it sounds wonderful.

Hopefully they served M80 with the protection order today, they were pretty urgent about it since she had done so much damage and had told the nightshift sheriff she would kill me. Not sure how she planned to do that since I'm the only one with guns and I keep them safely hid away.

But tonight...is peaceful...even with my windows busted up, my china cabinet busted into thousands of people, the door knob to the back door busted nearly at a 40 degree angle...I'm peaceful, I'm happy. For the first time in my life I'm truly free from all the hassles of trying to make someone else happy. Apostle Paul said it is the better road.

This next month or so should be sweet.
I'm happy.

When Firecrackers Explode

Was a great weekend, Leandra had a blast, and her company and intellect is most delightful. I helped her maternal grandmother on my trip back by hauling a whole pickup load of furniture up to Leandra's mom. It was a tiring trip, headed right into the sun at the eve of the day. Got a little sleepy and kind of wandered over the line a few times but was shocked to hear firecracker curse me for it. "Hey give me a break, I just went over a little and I'm looking for my exit".

The delivery of kids ad furniture went smooth, looks like they've got a nice place this time, but that 750 a month sure seems steep, alas..that is how it is in the cities these days.

On the way home I tried to talk firecracker into not having so much hate in her heart, be at least cordial with whom we have to deal with. That made her angry and she once again brought up that I had crossed the line a couple times (no accident, just meandered a bit).

Being the way I am, anytime somebody doesn't like what I'm doing for them, I'm very glad to turn the chore over to them so it can be done right. I pulled over, said I'll ride, you drive. But when she opened the passenger door she took off walking west down the interstate. Before I could even figure out what to do a guy pulls over and she jumps in.

I just came on home, got to bed around 10. Having already been thru this once last year I made it plain that if you leave, you leave and its done. Well she went to a gas station and called her mom to come get her, 2 hours out. By the time she got home I was fast asleep.

Until some heavy metal object cracked me in the back of the head, and then hit my ear finishing off any hearing that was left in that hear...seems likely the ear drum is broken, it is painful and quite deaf. When I jumped up to find out what the heck was going on, she was in full scale war, knocked my front tooth loose, multiple bruises, a cut near the eye, till I could retrain her, but anytime she got loose she went for anything from eyeballs to testicles. I finally told her to get out, that I'd move out tomorrow, but I wasn't going to be an abused spouse.

It took alot to restrain her, kicking, pinching, punching. Finally the sheriff arrived...I think her mom called them thinking it was Firecracker taking the beating but I have a thing about hitting girls. If they pull my hair, I'll pull back, but other than that I just push em to the floor and hold them down. I was anxious for the cops to arrive. They did. Since she had lost her keys she just busted the door knob off on the backdoor and busted the window out of the front door. There goes my security deposit.

Since the pickup is in her name I was told I couldn't use it to move so I loaded it up with her stuff and will probably bike out to the uhaul place today to get a truck and get the rest of my stuff out of the house. Real bad timing since all my job apps are tied to my phone number and i took a good swim in the pool day before with it in my pocket.

Guess today I'll go down and close out the joint bank account, pick up some repair stuff for the windows and doors though one is busted 4inches out from the knob. Going to have to get a phone in my name and transfer the number too. Then need to look over my budget and get with the landlord to see if I can just pay this first half a month and use it to move out and get utilities all turned off.

Sure hopeful one of those out of town jobs comes thru in the next couple weeks, I'm anxious to get out of here and just enjoy my own company. It will be a busy day today. The loose tooth is the same one my brother broke one of the 2 roots off years ago, so I have no idea if it will survive, sure bled alot, fact I had quite a few spots bleeding. Especially when I walked it the front room and shattered glass was all over the floor.

I been busy all night trying to get things in order, didn't take her near as long to trash and destroy the place as it has me to try to reassemble, reorganize and pack.
Will she come back today with a gun? Don't know, but I'm definitely keeping my semi automatic close at hand.

August has begun.