What has it been now 2 months since my in the canal top of the line personally programmed hearing aids came in. The first bit took a while to get use to having something in my ear...and noise being louder, but i was picking up a few voices that I hadn't been hearing before, but still having trouble deciphering them into words. Some improvement though, and it has helped alot knowing a sound was happening..like footsteps...only, unlike natural hearing...when it comes in thru a mic, there is no "direction" of the sound. Interesting, so while I might hear my phone ringing, I have no clue which direction it is.
Physical went well today, but weight was up. Blood pressure 102/69 and pulse was strangely up to 63..quite a diff. from its usual home in the 40's. Maybe the stress.
The increased sinus drainage, occasional morning sore throat, and greenish kleenex results he said was just allergies...lungs sounded clear. Gotta go back in one month for a follow up. Uggh 5 months of monthly follow up exams..only 3 left.
Gotta say I haven't accomplished as much as I should today because I haven't had the heart, but will try to get my strength back as soon as possible.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
A parent's investment
All those times working two jobs, worn to the bone, but hearing the plea and glee when the youngen grabs me by the hand, lets go to the park daddy. I need help daddy. Come see what I've done daddy. And up and away the old body went.
Settling fights, teaching kindness, teaching them how to drive, teaching them discipline to follow rules and respect a bedtime to rise early enough to mentally prepare for the world they live in. Singing songs to them, swinging them around, sleeping naps with them in my lap. Teaching them to laugh and enjoy life. To face the world with a smile cause nobody wants to see more problems, lift spirits, smile when you talk.
All the things my kids would have learned, when the only vehicle we had broke down and i walked 7 miles to work, and 7 miles home, then climbed under the pickup and kept working late into the night trying to get the problem found and solved even though I wasn't a "mechanic".
Then someday they deem you unworthy, too low life for their association, family means less to them than pride...you didn't hold up to the path of respectability when you and their mother divorced after 20 years of incompatibility and empty of love.
Would that stop your desire to visit with your own flesh and blood father?
Would that make all his time and effort and sacrifices and cares for you a waste of his life? I love my father, though he had very poor skills at parenting and I've suffered some because of them, other things i've gained from , but none of that matters to me now...He is my father. I want to know who he has become, what makes up his life, mannerisms of his ways. Is that so wrong?
I can't imagine trying to hurt him. I can't imagine hating him. I can't imagine totally passing on the opportunity in time to get to know my ancestor. I can't imagine even taking the time to measure him on a scale to see if he is worthy....I need stuff from him. I need to know him, who he is, what he has learned in life. Who is ancestors were. The ways and days of my people.
How could I possibly lose out on that opportunity. It's not nature to be unlovers of parents.
Maybe time will work this wisdom into them and I will share life with them again and they will come to know who I have become.
Maybe they and I will lose that forever...maybe my grandchildren will never know the laughter and orneriness and fun of their grandfather. Maybe they will never know what side of the family they got what tendency from.
Settling fights, teaching kindness, teaching them how to drive, teaching them discipline to follow rules and respect a bedtime to rise early enough to mentally prepare for the world they live in. Singing songs to them, swinging them around, sleeping naps with them in my lap. Teaching them to laugh and enjoy life. To face the world with a smile cause nobody wants to see more problems, lift spirits, smile when you talk.
All the things my kids would have learned, when the only vehicle we had broke down and i walked 7 miles to work, and 7 miles home, then climbed under the pickup and kept working late into the night trying to get the problem found and solved even though I wasn't a "mechanic".
Then someday they deem you unworthy, too low life for their association, family means less to them than pride...you didn't hold up to the path of respectability when you and their mother divorced after 20 years of incompatibility and empty of love.
Would that stop your desire to visit with your own flesh and blood father?
Would that make all his time and effort and sacrifices and cares for you a waste of his life? I love my father, though he had very poor skills at parenting and I've suffered some because of them, other things i've gained from , but none of that matters to me now...He is my father. I want to know who he has become, what makes up his life, mannerisms of his ways. Is that so wrong?
I can't imagine trying to hurt him. I can't imagine hating him. I can't imagine totally passing on the opportunity in time to get to know my ancestor. I can't imagine even taking the time to measure him on a scale to see if he is worthy....I need stuff from him. I need to know him, who he is, what he has learned in life. Who is ancestors were. The ways and days of my people.
How could I possibly lose out on that opportunity. It's not nature to be unlovers of parents.
Maybe time will work this wisdom into them and I will share life with them again and they will come to know who I have become.
Maybe they and I will lose that forever...maybe my grandchildren will never know the laughter and orneriness and fun of their grandfather. Maybe they will never know what side of the family they got what tendency from.
Mental equivalent of chewing gum
Written to me in sage advice by my eldest sibling:
Lazy. I said that word to myself about 20 times. Well, not really. About 5.
It sounds strange and I wonder who it is? To not want to do things? Well, we can't really not *do* anything, we're always doing something. Just sitting there we're breathing, our hearts beating, we're thinking stuff, adjusting our body, wiggling our toes. Sometimes Lazy's annoying room-mate, Boredom, stops by.
If we act like we're busy, he'll usually take the hint and leave. So basically Lazy, our crazy bud that our parents warned us not to associate with, tells us that we should not get caught up in all the "doing stuff", cause like, there's no end to it man. Where's the freedom in that? We should live our live by feeling, and if we have to do stuff, we should do stuff we feel like.
The results of his philosophy, the consequences of his advice, are immediately evident. It feel good. Usually in comparison to something we're doing this instead of that feel bad. Then it feel real good. But soon, too soon, it don't feel that good, so we look for something else.
We look around for our friend Lazy's hot girlfriend, Distraction. She walks in the room often and, of course, we just have to watch her. Then try to figure out what we were doing before, when she walks out. She knows she's messing with Lazy's head to, and just gives us both a wink and she's gone, until the next thing she remembers.
Sometimes Lazy's slow cousins, tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee drop by. They are stupid, but mildly amusing. So we watch them , talk to them, but not that seriously. We may learn some odd trivia on occasion, but usually when it leave, it was the mental equivalent of chewing gum. Felt kinda good, simulated something else, but no substance. And that could be a day or an evening with Lazy, and it can go on forever for some."
Kenji
Lazy. I said that word to myself about 20 times. Well, not really. About 5.
It sounds strange and I wonder who it is? To not want to do things? Well, we can't really not *do* anything, we're always doing something. Just sitting there we're breathing, our hearts beating, we're thinking stuff, adjusting our body, wiggling our toes. Sometimes Lazy's annoying room-mate, Boredom, stops by.
If we act like we're busy, he'll usually take the hint and leave. So basically Lazy, our crazy bud that our parents warned us not to associate with, tells us that we should not get caught up in all the "doing stuff", cause like, there's no end to it man. Where's the freedom in that? We should live our live by feeling, and if we have to do stuff, we should do stuff we feel like.
The results of his philosophy, the consequences of his advice, are immediately evident. It feel good. Usually in comparison to something we're doing this instead of that feel bad. Then it feel real good. But soon, too soon, it don't feel that good, so we look for something else.
We look around for our friend Lazy's hot girlfriend, Distraction. She walks in the room often and, of course, we just have to watch her. Then try to figure out what we were doing before, when she walks out. She knows she's messing with Lazy's head to, and just gives us both a wink and she's gone, until the next thing she remembers.
Sometimes Lazy's slow cousins, tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee drop by. They are stupid, but mildly amusing. So we watch them , talk to them, but not that seriously. We may learn some odd trivia on occasion, but usually when it leave, it was the mental equivalent of chewing gum. Felt kinda good, simulated something else, but no substance. And that could be a day or an evening with Lazy, and it can go on forever for some."
Kenji
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Just give up everything
Think I'll just move. Give up all connections to those who are against me. Start life new as if we were the last survivors...except for visits to our parents. I've more pain here than comfort. The people I brought to my hometown to enhance their lives now make it a nightmare experience for me to live here. Ah so it goes.
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