Sadness

Three days now my inner being has been growing quiet. The first day, I noticed it, but ignored it...stayed distracted. Yesterday I was aware of it and it had an impact on my physical life, limited my activities, I began withdrawing and losing interest in the day. Finally went to the hospital and spent a short time with my uncle.

He has always been a giant in my eyes, as I remember often seeing him duck his head a bit to go through a doorway. I close my eyes and remember him working on a hay baler, or getting frustrated that one of the cousins was having trouble getting the hay trailer backed up into the barn so he jumped in the old red and white ford pickup and backed it right up..having left the drivers door open, the tractor parked next to the truck had no trouble using its large parked rear tire to rip the driver door off.
I remember the many times I would sit and watch him discuss his ranching business, or buy feed, or discuss with "90" his son different cattle and what needed done.

I remember him laughing. When Val and 90 and my brothers and I were all kids..after a long weekend of work on the ranch we'd be getting ready to "go to town" and I remember watching Val "style" his hair. Him not being much on primping or vanity, and being such a large man, he sat still as she gently brushed and styled his hair, and I could tell it delighted his soul.

They've disconnected all the life support stuff. His heart function is down to about 18. He knows he is surrounded by love but he can't respond. I kissed his cheek and told him that he was a very very great man and that I love him. I hugged Aunt KJ and told her I loved her. She said to me she knows she appears to be doing ok and being strong but that she was not. I told her I knew that, and that we all loved her and would be there for her and that somehow someway she was going to be able to be ok. (Though I've never seen such soul mates as her and my uncle and I really can't fathom her heart beating when his stops). Mom was there, being strong for them, but a part of her is dying too. A part of all of us is laying on that bed,
prying himself loose from the body that will go no more.

I didn't really know for sure why I was feeling so down, so sad, but I know now.
Sitting down to write out my thoughts, I see what they are of, and now with my eyes full of tears...I know why my inner being isn't well today. The phone will be ringing soon and I'll hear words spoken through tears that he has gone. I am thankful that I had a chance to hug him and tell him how much I love him and have always admired him. I told Aunt KJ that he is a very great great man..and I told him that too. Wish I had told him sooner, but I think he knew how I felt.

I don't like this.
I can't stop this.
I think about what Aunt KJ is going to go through when she goes back to that house that has always had him with her...how her whole life was just mixed together as part of his. I think about what mom said, that each time he's been in the hospital in the past my Aunt was so anxious just to get out of the hospital and go home, but not this time..she knows when she leaves the hospital this time, there is no "home".

I've been involved in grief counseling many times, many years. Long enough to know that I have no words of wisdom to make it all ok. Pain? Nah, its not pain, heartbreak heart ache, confusion, loss, complete shattering of our mental constructs, but the word "pain" just doesn't cover it, it isn't anywhere near strong enough to describe "absolute loss". For Aunt KJ this falls more into the "complete devastation" category.

I realize that I'm not dealing with it consciously...at least I haven't been until I sat down to write to try to understand what was going on inside me. I've shut down and gone into my "functional", "polite", "just a little tired" outward self. But a part of who I am, of who I care about, of who I count as "mine", is dying right now and it is tearing a great big hole in my heart and the reason I just keep distracting myself from it and blocking it out so much that I see that I'm sad and say hey..whats going on! Is because when I sit still and face this, I cry and I feel even worse than I did when I block it out.

So How are you doing today GerBeans? "Not great but I'm getting by, Are you having a busy day?"

Job Searching

Got a high enough score for the office management job with the state that they have sent my name to the hiring agency as an eligible candidate, thinking about the possible interview to result..thats what came to mind when I saw this picture Wolf sent me.

But do have an interview next week a few hours from here in a surveying entry level job. If I get selected the projected start date is June 1st. Turmoil here is, its a good job and only about 3 months of unemployment will be left by June 1st. But it is a big move, 3 hours away. This will cut into my time with little Grace Kelly, probably be once per month instead of twice...and 12 hours of that weekend will be driving. Yet the job is a good one, the pay is basically "livable" but that is it.
Yet there are jobs up in her area that are opening all the time, that managerial job is near her town, so maybe if I get offered the surveying job I'll "take it"..but if before the first of June the other one opens to me I'll "untake it" but then..brings us back to the picture..should I go for the job I know I could do and know would be interesting and less stressful for 400 a month less and a further drive...or take the one that will be a challenge and "stretch" myself to fit the one for 400 more and less driving time. Aim high, what can it hurt? LOL.

And after being out of work a mere 5 weeks the unemployment website tells me I should have my money by next Thursday. Seems they are kind of overwhelmed with applicants at the moment and when they sent the verification letter to my former employer, also government, nobody answered. LOL. Yeah, maybe I could handle the job.

So many decisions to make, so much to do between now and then, and still keep applying...like M-80 says though, just take this day today.

Education comes at a price

My same friend that told me about the couple with the communication problem passed this along, and now I'm starting to think "he" is the guy he keeps telling me about. But a pocket Tazer Stun Gun, is a great gift for the wife. and he wrote to tell me about "A guy" who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary.

"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to flee to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (but I haven't explained to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two Tiny triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best;

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button...

HOLY MOTHER OF MUD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst... when you zap yourself you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had NO control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!"

Thinkable quotes

Don't forget about the corollary to Murphy's Law, "Whenever you set out to do something. something else must be done first."
And the Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law, "Everything goes wrong at once."
And... Chrisholm's Second Law, "When things are going well, something will go wrong," along with it's two corollaries, "When things just can't get any worse, they will," and "Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something."
Then there's Gumperson's Law, "The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to it's desirability,"
and Pudder's Law, "Anything that begins well, end badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse."

Dang...and one of my favorites:

Actually Murphy’s Law governs chaotic events, this was just poor planning.